


Between the drinks and subtle things (I'll carry you home)

by Laika_the_husband (Laika_the_wife)



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Confident Isak Valtersen, Dissociation, Drinking, Facials, First Meetings, First Time, Gay Sex, Happy Ending, Insecure Even, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Nude Photos, Oral Sex, Partying, Pining, Sex, angsty sex, cum kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:47:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 28,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25287076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laika_the_wife/pseuds/Laika_the_husband
Summary: This is the story of how Even, depressed and exhausted, runs into Isak, the confident and out gay guy, at parties. Isak's life has gone forward every time they meet, while Even is stuck. His life is going nowhere.I wanted to make something where Isak is outgoing and comfortable with his sexuality. He's super cute in this and I just want to eat him up.Originally started for Skam Big Bang 2020, so this doesn't count as a new wip. Right?PS. I ended up having no art done for this, but I was graciously given permission to add this to the collection anyway. <3
Relationships: Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen, Even Bech Næsheim/Sonja (SKAM), Isak Valtersen/Jonas Noah Vasquez
Comments: 295
Kudos: 240
Collections: SKAM Big Bang 2020





	1. The Neon Party, part one

Even pulled the neon yellow headband off and shook out his hair. He looked at his image in the mirror, trying to calm down. His eyes were ridiculously huge and frightened. You’d think he’d seen a bear or a tiger or something, not his kind of ex girlfriend. He simply hadn’t expected to see Sonja in this party. If he had, he wouldn’t have come.

Or. Well. Let’s not kid ourselves. Even would have come to this party. Because he knew for certain that Isak was going to be here. This was where he lived.

Even had been eyeing that boy for weeks now. Trying to pull up his courage. He had made the mistake of mentioning to Sonja that he was getting interested in a boy. That’s how the downhill of their relationship had started. He had trusted Sonja. She had stomped on that trust and spat on it when she was done.

Even’s upper lip curled up a bit. Fucking Sonja. Sure, Even had loved her, and he still kind of did, after all you can’t really fall completely out of love, but she didn’t have to be such a  _ bitch _ now did she? She didn’t have to bring up Mikael.

Someone knocked on the door. There was an urgency in that sound, and it snapped Even out of his thoughts.

“Yeah, yeah, coming”, he called out through the door. He opened the tap and splashed some cold water on his face. He pulled the hair band back on. It made his hair look ridiculous, but kind of in a good way. Even unlocked the door and pushed past the girl who had been waiting to get inside. He barely looked at her. His eyes were searching for someone else.

Unfortunately, someone saw him first. Even noticed Sonja when it was way too late to turn away. She had a bottle in her hand, and she offered it to Even. Even checked the label, and frowned.

“Who brings non-alcoholic beer to a party?”

“Can we talk?” Sonja asked. Even pushed back the urge to empty the bottle in her hair. She was a bitch, but he didn’t have to be one too.

“Talk about what?”

Sonja twisted her face.

“About what we were talking about earlier?”

Even sipped from his bottle, because he had forgotten what it was. He had to struggle to swallow it instead of spitting it on Sonja’s stupid face.

“Is there something you forgot to tell me about my illness?”

Sonja’s lips tightened up. She was getting pissed. Even didn’t mind that one bit. He wasn’t afraid of making a scene. After all, he was crazy, wasn’t he? That’s what crazy people did. They made scenes.

“That’s not fair.”

Even rolled his eyes.

“Pot, kettle, bitch.”

He was kind of surprised with how angry he was. Sonja simply wanted to talk. But she was an obstacle between Even and Isak, and that was unacceptable. She had to be cleared out of the way.

“Oh, fuck you, Even.”

Even raised his eyebrows and took a cocky swig from the bottle. At least it tasted alright.

“Thanks but no thanks. I have other plans for tonight.”

Sonja was fuming. Even just smiled at him, a wry little lopsided smile.

“So, if you’ll excuse me --”

“If you want to go fuck some twink at least have the balls to break up with me first.”

“Fine”, Even said. Sonja’s expression turned from anger to disbelief.

“What?”

Even shrugged.

“I suppose this is me breaking up with you.”

“I can’t fucking believe this.” Sonja pressed her fingers on her temples. Even was so done with this conversation.

“I don’t understand what more you want from me. It’s obvious you don’t love me the way I am, and I’m done pretending to be something else. I’m not letting you control me anymore.” Even shoved the bottle in Sonja’s hand. “Thanks for the drink. I’m going to get a real one now.”

“You shouldn’t drink.”

“You should mind your own fucking business and stop trying to run my life. Let me live it myself!”

Some heads were turning. Even was raising his voice. He took a couple of deep breaths to calm down. It wasn’t easy. Looking at Sonja wasn’t easy either, but Even figured he owed that much to the girl he had been dating for years. He should look at her when he broke up with her.

“I mean it, Sonja. I’m done.”

“When you come crawling back don’t expect me to let you in.”

Even had expected. Well. More. After all, they had been dating for a long time, and Sonja had at least told Even she loved him. To be honest, he had expected tears, or at least some resistance. Instead, Sonja just turned around and walked away. Even watched her go. He had expected to feel something more, himself. Maybe it was simply time.

Now. He needed a drink. A real one. He headed for the kitchen again, to raid the fridge. He hadn’t brought anything, except for the small bag of weed in his pocket, but he kept telling himself he would make up for it in the next party. He’d bring a full six pack, to compensate for the one beer he would be taking now. A fair deal, if you asked Even.

Even barely made it to the kitchen when his legs stopped taking orders from him. His heart started beating faster, so it obviously wasn’t a matter of low blood supply. His senses were also heightened, like he could actually  _ feel _ his skin, all around his body, how it suddenly was there and empty, like an undrawn map. Maybe his breathing was the problem. It seemed to be caught in his throat, or in his chest.

Isak was in the kitchen. He had neon pink lines over his cheek bones, and he was laughing at something. Even was immediately jealous. He didn’t want anything to make Isak laugh like that, to make his eyes twinkle that way, if it wasn’t him. Okay, maybe that was a tad possessive, but Even knew what he meant and didn’t worry about it. He had other things to worry about. Like Isak still not looking at him.

“Hey”, Even said. Isak turned his eyes to him. All that sparkling green, like the fucking spring itself.

“Oh, hi”, Isak said, with a wide smile. “Sorry, I didn’t notice you coming.”

“You will notice when I come. I’m loud”, Even heard himself say. He could only watch in horror, but Isak just laughed.

“In that case, better turn the music up before dragging you into my room.”

Even tried to smile in a cool way. Too bad he had no idea how a cool smile looked like, let alone felt.

“Do I look like that kind of a boy?”

Isak looked at him from head to toe. Slowly. Then he tilted his head.

“Is it bad if I want to say yes just because I’m totally fantasising about you right now?”

Even didn’t know what to say. He was speechless. He was caught in that fantasy, unable to break free from it. All he could think about was them in Isak’s room. On Isak’s bed. Was he that kind of a boy?

Isak smiled at him.

He totally was.


	2. The Neon Party, part two

Isak stepped closer. And closer. Even could smell his aftershave. Fuck, that boy had a terrific smile. Even couldn’t take his eyes off of Isak’s lips. He saw Isak’s eyes were fixed on his lips, as well. He was about to kiss a boy, for the second time in his life, and the memory of the first time flooded him with formless shame. He wanted to turn his head away, but he couldn’t do that to Isak. He couldn’t force this shame onto him.

So, he kissed Isak. Shaking with shame and desire and defiance and fear, he kissed the most beautiful boy he had ever seen. It was the best and the worst thing that had ever happened to him. Isak, everything about him? The best. Everything else about this whole situation? The worst.

The kiss left Even breathless. When it was over he just stood there, panting softly, unable to turn his eyes away from Isak. Isak smiled and raised his hand, to wipe Even’s cheek with his thumb.

“You got some pink paint there. Sorry about that.”

Even raised his hand up to try. All he could feel was hot, blushing skin. Isak took his hand.

“Come.”

Even followed him. He let Isak walk him out of the kitchen. On the way Isak nudged the volume control wheel on the bluetooth speaker, turning the music up a bit. It made Even blush deeper. He wondered if Sonja saw this happening. If she cared. It was none of her business, but still.

Isak brought Even into his room and locked the door. The music was immediately muffled down. It was still there, as a background noise, the bass thumping away. Or maybe it was just Even’s heart. He was inside a boy’s room, and while it wasn’t the first time he was in one, it was the first time with a certain purpose. He could taste the purpose in the air.

“My name is Even”, Even said. Isak looked amused. “In case uh. That matters.”

“I may be a bit of a skank, but I don’t kiss perfect strangers. I know who you are, I’ve seen you at Nissen.”

Even’s brain kind of stopped working. Because one, Isak was a bit of a skank, and two, he knew who Even was and  _ still _ wanted to kiss him. Now that the whole party wasn’t watching them, the thought of kissing a boy, this boy, wasn’t bad at all.

“Oh. I’ve seen you as well.”

Isak sat down on his bed, smiling. He leaned back on his hands, then dropped down to lean on his elbows. He rolled the hem of his shirt up slowly, and stopped barely in time before revealing any skin. Even was incredibly disappointed.

“Have you liked what you’ve seen?”

Even nodded, repeatedly.

“Yes. Very much.”

Isak smiled. There was this confidence in his smile that Even could only envy. He used to have that, with girls. With some boys too, when he was simply flirting, with no desire to make things go further. Now, that he wanted things to go all the way to the end, he had lost it. He was a wreck. He was almost shaking.

“Care to give me a glimpse too?”

Even chuckled. It didn’t sound too lame. He grabbed his shirt and pulled it up, high enough to reveal his belly button. Isak looked at it, licking his lips.

“So nice”, Isak sighed. “Show me more.”

Even pulled his hands higher up. He let Isak see his waistline, and his ribs, then his nipples. Isak licked his lips again, stroking his own nipples gently through the fabric of his shirt. Even wanted to bury his face in the soft fold of skin, where Isak’s waist bent. It looked so smooth and warm.

“More”, Isak asked softly. His voice felt like silk on Even’s skin. It ran all over him, slipping inside his clothes, stroking him absolutely everywhere. Even’s mouth opened a bit.

“Aren’t you going to return the favour?”

Isak threw his head back and laughed.

“Oh, but of course. How rude of me.”

The smile lingered on Isak’s lips as he rolled his shirt up higher. Even stared at him, with his mouth still open. Isak revealed more of that warm, soft skin of his, and Even was hopelessly addicted to it. Before even the first taste. He could almost taste it with his eyes, hungrily watching Isak’s body be revealed.

Even found himself especially interested in Isak’s chest. How it arched slightly with the rib cage but not any further than that. The round, darker areas around his nipples. The hardness of his nipples. Even couldn’t help but wonder if something else was hard as well, and the thought made him blush.

Isak pressed his chin, looking at Even from under his brow. His eyes were twinkling.

“Aww. Aren’t you precious.”

Even almost protested. Isak was insulting his manhood, after all, but then Isak continued speaking.

“Have you slept with a guy before?”

Even feigned a laughter. It sounded quite small and pathetic.

“Am I going to sleep with one now?”

Isak tilted his head. His smile was warm and welcoming. Even wanted to get naked and bask in the glow of that smile forever.

“I should hope I have made my intentions clear, but in case I haven’t: I would like that very much, yes. Please. Thank you.”

“I’m not a virgin”, Even said. Isak giggled. He was drunk. Not shitfaced, just cheerfully tipsy. Even was practically sober. Nobody was being taken advantage of here, that was good. Even didn’t want his first time with a boy to be something he couldn’t remember.

“Nonetheless, I’m honoured to be your first man. That is, if you let me.”

Even giggled as well. Isak was speaking so formally. It did wonders to his nerves, though. Isak knew how to make a boy relax.

“I just might.”

“Oooh, playing hard to get? Sounds fun. But I need that yes first, babe. Consent is sexy.”

“Yes. Please. Thank you.”

Isak giggled again. He threw his shirt on the floor at Even’s feet. Every thought of being hard to get kind of dissolved. They turned into thoughts of being simply hard.

So hard.

Even couldn’t remember the last time he had been this turned on. Every cell in his body was aching to be touched by Isak. His mouth. His skin. His ass, his dick, his fucking liver was longing to feel Isak’s beautiful body. Right now.

He took a step closer. Then another step. Isak waited, smiling, while Even walked to him and the bed. Even pressed his palms on the bed, with Isak between his arms, and leaned down. Isak looked up at him, with his bottom lip between his teeth. He let go of his lip to make room for Even’s lips, as Even descended on that flat chest, his skin finally against this boy’s warm body.

Even didn’t know it would be possible to climax from a kiss. Now, in the grips of this kiss, his ground was shaking and his spirit was soaring, and he almost, almost ruined his underwear just because of a kiss. Even tasted Isak’s mouth like he had never tasted a mouth before. It tasted so good. Even couldn’t get enough of it. He had kissed Isak before, only moments ago, but this kiss -- this was something else. It was a kiss with two enthusiastic consents as its foundation.

Isak was pushing his hips upward in small movements and a steady rhythm. His hard dick was rutting against Even, and that sensation was doing things to him. So, so many things. All of them amazing. It felt so hot, and so alive, it really was a part of Isak, a part Even couldn’t wait to get to meet. He had experimented with Sonja and some toys, and he had enjoyed it, he knew it would be so good.

“Even?”

Even opened his eyes. Isak was looking at him, his eyes full of green sparkles.

“Mh?”

“It’s really hard to kiss you when you keep grinning like that.”

Even laughed. What was it about this boy that filled him with joy like this? Isak was right, he couldn’t stop smiling.

“I can’t help it”, Even said. “I can’t resist you at all.”

Isak pushed his fingers into Even’s hair. He pulled the hair band out and wrapped it twice around his wrist.

“Well, then don’t resist?”

Isak turned his head to the side, revealing his neck. Even got the idea. He pressed his lips against the thin, warm skin under Isak’s ear. He flicked his tongue along it, tasting the hint of salt. Isak sighed softly. He brought his hand behind Even’s neck and guided his head, moving his mouth to the spots that made the boy under him shiver and moan.

Even’s head was spinning. It was a whirl of skin, and lips, Isak’s moans. He couldn’t stop thinking about Isak’s chest. He needed to inspect it closer. First with his fingers, touching it, pushing them between their bodies unable to decide which he wanted more, to feel Isak’s skin with his fingers or with his chest. The decision was ultimately simple: neither. He wanted to feel it with his mouth.

“Mmmm. That feels good”, Isak gasped. Even hummed against his chest, his lips wrapped tightly around Isak’s nipple. He pushed at the tight nub with his tongue, and nibbled at it with the tips of his teeth. Isak was breathing in short gasps, pushing his chest up like it could have gotten him deeper into Even’s mouth.

Even could feel it against his stomach now. How hard Isak was. Even had made him hard. He was so curious about it. He wanted to see it, to meet it properly, and at the same time he was a bit shy. It was never easy to receive the very thing you had been dreaming about for so long.

“Oh, babe..it’s getting uncomfortably tight in here. If you know what I mean.”

Even knew. From experience. He lifted his face and looked at Isak, his lips parted, his eyes wild. He touched Isak’s abs, his fingertips brushed at the waistband. Isak smiled at him.

“Nervous, babe? It won’t bite you. It would feel so good if you touched it. I would like that so much -- but we can stop any time you want.”

“Stop? I don’t want to stop.” Even didn’t want this to end like ever, and he was more than willing to prove it.


	3. The Neon Party, part three

Even lifted Isak's waistband with his thumb and slipped his fingers under it. He closed his eyes so he could see better with his fingertips. He saw Isak’s dick, it was beautiful and smooth and hard, thick enough to feel substantial and long enough to reach all the right places. It made Even’s mouth water.

“Take it out”, Isak panted. Even opened his eyes and looked at him with a grin.

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

Isak laughed, short of breath.

“I would love it.”

Even pulled his hand out of Isak’s underwear and pressed his palm on the bulge. He gave his wrist a little twist, creating friction that forced a delicious moan out of Isak. Even felt braver by each moan Isak made. He slid down along Isak’s body, on his knees on the floor at the end of the bed, between Isak’s legs.

“I’ve never touched another dick before”, Even whispered. Isak chuckled.

“I thought that might be the case. Not from your performance, babe, but from your -- dedication. You’re really taking it in.”

It was Even’s turn to chuckle, only half nervous.

“I should hope so.”

Isak laughed. In hindsight, that was the moment Even fell for him. When he laughed, equal parts amused and horny, with Even on his knees between his legs, about to meet a dick for the first time. Not the most romantic moment possible, but the heart wanted what it wanted. Even’s heart wanted Isak.

“I like you”, Isak said, his eyes twinkling. “You’re an idiot.”

Even was so fucking happy. Isak liked him. He knew it wasn’t proper liking, but he took what he could get. And the proximity of Isak’s dick didn’t hurt, either. Even pressed his mouth on it, through the fabric struggling to contain Isak’s erection. It was too much fun to make Isak squirm and moan in frustration.

“Come on, babe, stop torturing me!”

Even felt Isak’s hand in his hair. A couple of grasps, his fingers curling up and opening like the paw of a cat. Even kind of wished Isak would pull his hair a bit, but he didn’t dare ask for it. He wasn’t going to risk his first contact with a dick by adding some kinky shit to the mix without knowing how it would fly.

Maybe next time, he thought, and a little shiver went down his spine. Would there be a next time? Hopefully there would. If he did well enough this time, maybe Isak would like this to happen again.

Even pulled Isak’s underwear down slowly. He heard Isak laugh at his face when he got Isak’s dick out, but he didn’t care. He was close to a dick now, a real one, hard one, and it kind of filled his whole consciousness. Isak laughed again.

“I’m really touched by your worship, but I need some actual touching. Now. Please.”

Even blushed. Of course. This wasn’t Isak’s first time with a guy, and Even had been so slow already. He’d better pick up the pace. He took a deep breath and wrapped his fingers around Isak’s dick.

Isak let out a long, soft sigh, and pushed his head back. Even was almost drooling on him. He moved his hand slowly. It felt a lot like his own, but also better. The sounds Isak was making made it better. Isak was enjoying himself so much, and it was because of Even. He loved it best with Sonja, too, making her have a good time.

But this was better. Isak was so incredibly pretty, and so fucking hot, and the dick throbbing in his hand made Even’s own dick throb as well. He was already addicted to this. To Isak’s sounds, the feel of his dick, he could never get enough of this.

“Fuck, you give a good hand job”, Isak grunted. He didn’t want to stop, either, and that felt like a high. Even made Isak feel so good he didn’t want it to stop. He listened to Isak’s sounds and breathing carefully, adjusting his grip and speed accordingly, until Isak was moaning in low little barks that turned into a long, continuous whimper as he came all over Even’s hand.

Even looked at his fingers, stained with Isak’s semen. It looked so filthy. He loved it. Isak took his wrist and pulled himself up, opened his mouth and pushed his pink tongue out. Even stared at him, eyes wide, as he lapped it all up in greedy little licks. Isak was so dirty, so openly, it made Even pant.

“Mmh. That was great, babe.” Isak slid down on the floor to Even, and guided Even up on the bed. “Your turn. Is it okay if I suck your dick?”

All Even could muster was an  _ oh _ of some sorts. It was a sound of agreement, and thank god Isak took it as such. He flashed Even a sexy little grin, shoved his knees apart and leaned in. He took Even out of his underwear and there that pink tongue was again. Even watched it give him a long, slow lick, and it made him see stars.

Seeing it was the best part of this. Seeing Isak’s mouth open up and take his dick in. How his cheeks hollowed out when he sucked. His eyelashes fluttering against his skin when he closed his eyes. The pink streaks on his skin, smudged at the edges. His lips around Even’s dick, sliding up and down. He was so pretty. It all felt like a dream.

A wet dream.

That was over way too soon. Even grabbed the sheets in his fists, panting loudly, his hips bucking every now and then. Isak pulled back and kept going with his hand, jerking Even off demandingly.

“Come on, babe, come on my face”, Isak mumbled. That did it. Even came, in three squirts. Isak caught one the stripe his cheek, one on the side of his nose and the last one on his lips. Isak opened his eyes, short of breath, and looked up at Even. “Can you give me my phone?”

Even found Isak’s phone from the night stand and handed it over. Isak took a quick selfie, put his phone away and wiped his face with his fingers. He licked them clean. There was a shy smirkish grin on his lips and a wicked glint in his eyes.

“Do you think I’m a dirty slut?”

“What? Of course not!”

Isak’s grin got replaced with confusion. Just briefly, simply a flash, but Even caught it. Had he screwed up?

“I mean. I think you’re great. You’re so pretty and fun and cool.” And Even was talking too much. He really should have shut up, but he couldn’t. “And you give great head, and did I say you’re pretty? I think I did?”

Isak saved Even by crawling up from the floor and kissing him. Even received him, and the kiss, with great enthusiasm and pleasure.


	4. The Graduation party, part one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, now I'm out of pre-written stuff! Tomorrow's update will be written tomorrow and served up fresh.

Even was feeling like a complete outsider at this event. Despite having another extra year he still hadn’t graduated. He was going to have to retake not one but seven classes next school year. Again. It was too much work for one summer, and especially for him, and he simply had to accept that he was too stupid to graduate.

He wasn’t sure if he was actually going to return after the summer. Could he do it again? He had watched his friends graduate. Now he was watching his new, kind-of friends graduate. By now everybody must have known. They must have seen Even walk around the halls, take classes and drop them the last minute before the final exam, or miss the last deadline, and just fail fail fail.

He almost hadn’t come here, either. It was just that not coming would have seemed like admitting defeat. It would have told everybody that Even was ashamed, and if someone was ashamed, they were powerless, and Even wasn’t planning on being powerless ever again in his life. Never, never again. He was ashamed, to the very core, but he didn’t have to let anyone else see that.

To anyone else, Even was sitting here in his nicer jeans and a button down shirt, smiling and joking with people who he had known for a year and who would promptly forget all about him after tonight. He was acting excited about the party he had no desire to attend, and he had a bottle of vodka in his backpack ready to go. A little box of pills in his pocket, to elevate the mood a bit. Just in case. Even didn’t want the reputation of a party pooper.

This party sucked, Even thought, taking a swig from his bottle. He had poured about half of it in the punch bowl, as per the host’s request, and was working on the rest by himself. Straight up. It tasted vile, but it worked like a charm as a social lubricant. Even could smile at people he didn’t know, and laugh at jokes and stories he had no part in, he could listen to the shitty music. He could pose as a person.

Suddenly he was all alone. He was standing in the living room of a house he had never visited before, and there was a party happening all around him. He had tried to join every group of people there was, and he hadn’t fit into any of them. This wasn’t his night. He hadn’t graduated. He was weird, and old, and drunk, and these kids had had three years to bond together and become something Even had no place in.

He needed air. He snatched a cigarette a boy passing him had behind his ear, slipped it behind his own ear and headed outside. He stepped out to the terrace without bothering to look for his shoes. He asked for a light from a group of girls, and since the way from the gate to the terrace was paved in smooth stones, Even walked further away from the house. He walked all the way to the gate, with just socks on his feet.

Someone was walking down the street. When they stopped to open the gate, Even recognised him. It was Isak. He wasn’t alone, he had two other people with him, but Even didn’t really pay attention to them. He was focused on Isak. This was the first time he had seen Isak since the graduation. Isak’s graduation, a year ago. Even didn’t remember seeing Isak in the party after that event, but then again, he didn’t remember anything about that night at all.

“Oh, hello”, Isak said, when he saw Even. Even nodded at him. He didn’t remember how words worked. Isak looked so lovely. He was wearing the University of Oslo’s T-shirt that was tight enough to make his pecs nicely defined. His smile was stunning. He said something to the people he was with, and they headed for the party house while Isak stayed back.

“Can I have some?” Isak asked, nodding at the cigarette Even had forgotten. He was just holding it, letting it burn away, and Isak’s nod turned his attention to it again. He put it quickly on his lips and pulled a smoke, to keep the fire from being put out.

“Sure”, Even said through a puff of smoke. He handed the cigarette over to Isak, and their fingers touched as Isak took it. Even followed the print of his touch, how it travelled to Isak’s lips, and now Even had touched them, by proxy of a cigarette.

“Enjoying the party?” Isak asked. He was looking at Even’s feet, amused. Even chuckled, embarrassed.

“Last year’s was better.”

“Damn it. I missed that one.” Isak kept smoking the cigarette. Even didn’t want it back, he wanted to watch Isak smoke it. He wanted to look at his lips close around the cigarette, and his eyes narrow a bit when he pulled the smoke in, and the pretty little pout he made when he blew it out.

“Oh? For some particular reason?”

“I had a panic attack when I was getting ready, and I had to stay home and get some rest. I hadn’t slept for days, I guess I was nervous or something.” Isak threw the cigarette on the pavement and luckily crushed it under his foot before Even did so himself. He flashed a little smile at Even, and Even’s knees felt weak. “I’m better now.”

Isak stepped inside through the gate. It was clear he was about to head out into the party. Even couldn’t let that happen. He had to keep Isak here, just for himself, just for a bit more.

“You know, I don’t think I ever told you, but I had literally broken up with my girlfriend minutes before you kissed me in that kitchen”, Even said, to his own horror. At least that worked. Isak stopped, in the middle of taking the first step past Even, and looked at him with a question in his smile.

“Oh? Being the master of timing is rarely my thing. Or was I just a rebound?”

“Oh, no. You rocked my world.” Hey, Even’s mouth? This is Even’s brain speaking. Slow down the pace, will you? Isak just laughed.

“That is definitely my thing.”

The way Isak looked at Even gave him courage. That, and the amount of vodka he had been downing.

“Want to come over to my place and finish what we started then?”

Isak reached down and took the bottle from Even’s hand. He uncapped it slowly, while Even watched him, hypnotised.

“Go get your shoes. I’ll wait.”

Even rushed inside. He rummaged through the shoes three times until he found his left one. He grabbed his backpack from the bottom of the pile, made a complete mess of the whole thing and finally managed to get his ass outside again. He looked up at the gate, and Isak was there, fiddling with the bottle. He had to really struggle to keep himself walking instead of running.

Isak looked incredible in the light of the street lamps. He was smiling at Even, and Even’s heart was beating louder in his chest. Strong, hard beats, pulling Even towards Isak. He hadn’t seen the boy in over a year, and it felt like a second and a century, at the same time. It was a century right up until the point Even saw Isak again, a hundred years of waiting, and now that Isak was here it was all erased. The slate was clean.

“That’s an intense look”, Isak said, snapping Even out of his thoughts. At least Isak was still smiling.

“Oh, sorry. I was trying to remember if I have any fresh sheets left.” It was a lie, but also the truth. He had no idea of the sheet situation. He probably didn’t have any. His whole apartment was terrible, and all of a sudden Even remembered that not everyone lived like that. Isak probably didn’t, and he would be appalled at the mess. Even looked at Isak, quickly. “How about you?”

Isak’s eyes were twinkling.

“Oh, so you want us to dirty up  _ my _ sheets instead of yours? Clever.”

Even grinned. The vodka made that easy.

“I am a clever boy.” He was not. He was the exact opposite. Five years, and he hadn’t graduated. Even took the bottle from Isak to wash that thought away.

“Fine. My place it is. The same place as last time.”

Even nodded. He was happy to hear Isak was still living with roommates. It made him feel a bit less like a failure. At least Even had his own apartment. Sure, his family paid the rent and everything, and they were probably doing it just to get Even out of the house, but still. He was a grown up, with a grown up apartment.

He was also excellent at lying to himself. That was good, because without that ability he wouldn’t have had the guts to come at Isak like this. Isak was way, way out of his league, but Even had all that first time cutesy stuff on his side.

He still hadn’t gone all the way with a guy. He didn’t want to admit it, but it was entirely possible he had been saving himself for Isak, ever since they had been interrupted at the neon party. Even had been left hungry for more, and though he had hooked up with a couple of guys things hadn’t gone to. That.

“Something special in your mind?” Isak asked. Even blushed, intensely, and almost tripped on his own feet. He spilled some vodka on the side of his palm. Isak grabbed Even’s wrist, brought his hand on his lips and licked the spill away. Even just wished he had bought something tastier than this shit. Isak deserved champagne, not bottom shelf vodka.

“Uhhhhh”, Even managed to muster. Such a wordsmith, this man here. Isak simply grinned, let go and started walking again. Even followed him, because he had no other choice.


	5. The Graduation Party, part two

The nights were getting lighter, but the summer was still a newborn. The air was almost cool this time of night. Even didn’t have a jacket, and he almost considered rolling his sleeves down, but seeing Isak in only a T-shirt made that idea feel a bit sissy. He didn’t want Isak to think that he was a wuss.

Isak shivered.

“Damn, I should have taken a hoodie. I didn’t expect to double my time spent outside.”

Isak was eyeing at Even as he spoke, and Even could have sworn Isak was walking closer to him now. He considered, for a split second, and threw his arm around Isak’s shoulders, pulling him close. Isak arrived, with no resistance.

“Better?”

Isak hummed happily and placed his arm around Even’s waist.

“Much better.”

Even didn’t remember anything about the rest of the way. All he had memories of was Isak’s body next to his, sharing their body heat, and how great Isak was smelling. How his laughter sounded, echoing on the near empty streets. How incredibly happy Even was. When they arrived to Isak’s house Even let his arm slide off, and somehow his hand ended up taking Isak’s hand.

Isak took him inside. First the building, then the elevator, the apartment. They took their shoes off in the dark, still holding hands. When Isak’s room’s door closed behind them Isak turned to face Even, smiling. He had a lovely smile. Even just stared at it, as it got closer to him, closer and closer, until Isak kissed him softly.

It was so gentle. Even had been feeling like shit all day, but now Isak wiped it all away with one simple kiss. He made everything okay. Even hadn’t seen the guy in over a year, but it was still painfully obvious. He was gone for him. Totally gone. He kept tasting Isak’s lips with his own, over and over again in the same, almost innocent motion, like they were teenagers kissing for the first time.

Isak placed the last kiss on Even’s lips and pulled back, smiling.

“So, how have you been?”

Even’s heart sank. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to lie, no to Isak, but he couldn’t tell the truth, either. It was too pathetic. He didn’t want Isak to feel sorry for him. He wanted Isak to like him. So, he smiled.

“Absolutely great now that you’re around”, he said. Isak chuckled and blushed a bit, and rewarded Even with one more kiss.

“Smooth as ever. I like it.” Isak kissed him one more time and stepped back again, this time walking to the window. When he opened it, Even noticed how stuffy the air in the room was. “I’m sorry about the mess. I’ve been a bit overwhelmed lately, the last essays all had the same deadline.”

Even looked around him. The room looked a lot like his apartment. Piles of clothes, both dirty and clean, all mixed up. Stacks of dishes. Empty takeaway containers and pizza boxes, one two three half empty bottles of beer on the windowsill. This was a room of someone who didn’t care, and Even felt so at home that he had difficulties to swallow all of a sudden.

Isak looked at him, concerned.

“Do you want to leave?”

“No!” Even hurried to say. He hurried to Isak, as well, and took his face in his hands. “Not without you.”

Isak flashed Even a little smile. He took Even’s wrists, gently, and pulled his hands down. Even blushed. He was coming on too intense. It was too early. This was their second time as much as speaking to each other, and Isak definitely hadn’t been pining after him for a year.

“Would you like a beer? Or should we go to bed now?”

“I think I’ve had enough for tonight”, Even said. He shouldn’t drink too much, and now that Isak was here, he didn’t want to, either. “You can have one if you’d like.”

“Nah, I’m good.” Isak slipped his hands under the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head. He threw it on the floor and looked at Even expectantly. Even’s heart was racing, and his head was feeling light.

“University of Oslo. Which major?”

Isak stepped in front of Even and started unbuttoning his shirt. He revealed Even’s chest bit by bit, and every time he unveiled new skin he kissed it slowly.

“Robotics.”

Even raised his brow. Robotics? That was unexpected. He didn’t know what he was expecting, then, but not robotics.

“What, like Skynet and Robocop?”

Isak laughed against Even’s chest. It tickled a bit.

“Well, personally I’d like the future to be pretty much the opposite. But I’m more likely to get a job within manufacturing, farming or mining. Something like that. Mundane stuff.”

“I’m more likely to find a harvester in your closet than a sex bot?”

Isak laughed.

“Who does -- a harvester wouldn’t fit -- god, you’re an idiot!”

Even didn’t object. He couldn’t. His brain shut down the moment Isak pushed his now unbuttoned shirt over his shoulders and pulled him into a kiss. He was so nervous, and so turned on, and his mouth was still working.

“I hope you like idiots.”

“Lucky for you, I do.” Isak gave Even’s bottom lip a nibble with his teeth and stepped back towards the bed. Even followed him. They crawled into bed, and started kissing again, probably just to shut Even up.

That was a good move. The thoughts spinning in Even’s head were things that shouldn’t be said out loud.

_ My place looks like yours. _

_ You’re the most beautiful boy I have ever seen. _

_ Is it too soon to say I’m in love with you? _

Even’s thoughts were cut by Isak’s lips on the side of his neck. Isak’s mouth was hungrier now, less gentle and more lusting. His touches were more demanding. Isak wanted him, and that felt incredible. But now Even’s lips were free to speak again.

“I haven’t done it with anyone yet”, Even said, panting lightly. “I mean. With a boy. No. A man! With a man. Obviously I haven’t done it with a boy, I’m not into that at all. I mean boys. Men, yes. I love men. No! I’m not a slut! I haven’t been with men like that. Or boys.”

Isak waited, looking at Even with an amused expression on his face, until Even ran out of idiocy. Isak smirked.

“Thank fuck you stopped talking”, he said. “Your mouth isn’t really connected to your brain, is it?”

“No”, Even admitted immediately. “It’s not.”

“I could tell.” Isak leaned down and kissed him, softly. “Would you like to try anal sex with me tonight?”

Even just stared at him, unable to say a word. Isak smiled, stroking at Even’s eyebrows with his fingertip.

“Babe, I need that yes. Consent is key.”

“I have tried anal”, Even heard himself say. “With my girlfriend. Ex! Ex-girlfriend. I liked it.”

Isak nodded, patiently.

“Good for you. How about we take it slow and see where that takes us? Let’s just make each other feel good.”

Even nodded. That sounded like a plan.


	6. The Graduation Party, part three

Try as Even might, he couldn’t really get into the mood. That was odd. He was, unlike he wanted Isak to know, a bit of a slut, and he took some sort of dark, self loathing pride in how he could get it on no matter how bad he was feeling. This should have been no exception, especially since Isak was someone he actually, really, very much wanted. He had been having wet dreams about this encounter night after night, and now he wasn’t appreciating it properly.

What the fuck was wrong with him?

He kissed Isak harder. He flipped Isak over under him, and pressed his thigh between Isak’s legs so he could feel how hard Isak was, that delicious, beautiful dick all ready just for him. He slid his hands along Isak’s sides, all that smooth, warm skin. He loved skin. He loved dicks. He pushed harder, trying to force himself to love this, when Isak touched his shoulder.

“Even? Please stop.”

Even stopped. He stopped kissing Isak’s collarbone, but he didn’t raise his head. He lied there, breathing heavily on Isak’s skin, with Isak’s fingertips touching the back of his neck.

“What’s wrong?” Isak asked. Even didn’t say anything. He opened his eyes, staring at Isak’s skin so close he couldn’t make out anything but warmth. He tried to pull himself together. He was finally in bed with Isak, and he didn’t want to blow it.

“I want you so much”, Even whispered. It wasn’t a lie. It wasn’t the whole truth. “I want you terribly but I don’t --”

Isak waited, but Even didn’t finish his sentence. He couldn’t. He didn’t know how it ended.

“It’s okay”, Isak whispered, his fingers now in Even’s hair. “Take your time.”

No time would have been enough, Even knew it. So he took just as much as he needed to pull himself together well enough to kiss Isak’s chest. It was a slow kiss, lingering, he tasted the hint of salt and all the warmth, he let it fill up his senses until there wasn’t room for anything else.

He kissed Isak’s chest again. And again. He left a little trail of kisses along his skin to his nipple, and caught it between his lips. It made Isak sigh with pleasure, his fingers slide out of Even’s hair on his shoulder, gripping it gently. It encouraged Even to go on. He focused on Isak, the sounds he was making, and bit by bit it became easier. He knew how to make a guy feel good.

Even slipped his hand between Isak’s legs and cupped it over the bulge. It felt hot and hard, and him touching it made Isak moan quietly. Isak wanted this, Even could tell. That was the only reason Even was now here. Isak wanted this, he wanted Even. He could have gone into that party and hooked up with anyone there, but he had decided Even would be better than any potential guy in the house. Even was not going to disappoint him.

He was not going to disappoint.

“I want to fuck you”, he panted right into Isak’s ear, rubbing at Isak’s dick with his palm. Isak made a little excited sound, and while Even still wasn’t really feeling this, he managed to push that to the back and let his body do its thing. It liked the sounds Isak was making. “I need a yes, babe.”

“Yes!” Isak gasped. He was squirming a bit, and Even could feel his desperation against his hand. “Please. Fuck me.”

When Even stopped to think about it, it was super weird how he was fueling his own heat with fantasies and images of Isak. He was so used to it by now. No matter who he was with, if he needed an extra boost, he focused his thoughts on Isak. The semen stained pink stripes on his cheek, his laughter, his heaving body. He was with Isak right now, the real Isak, and he was looking at him through a ghost of the past. The Isak from a bit over a year ago was standing between them, like he had been standing between anyone Even had slept with since. He needed some new material. He had some right here, between his arms, squirming with the kisses he placed down his chest and stomach. Isak was here. Why wasn’t Even?

“Say my name”, Even whispered, flicking his tongue in a circle around Isak’s belly button.

“Oh, Even”, Isak moaned, in compliance. Even closed his eyes. It sounded so good. When Isak said his name it got meaning it hadn’t carried before.

“Keep saying it.”

Isak did. He spoke Even’s name over and over again. Even listened to his voice. It guided him through the mists of time and the darkness within him, towards the present, towards the real Isak. Even pushed away the thoughts of how fucking weird he was, and just focused on Isak’s voice. It brought him back.

Even got up on his knees on the bed and pulled Isak’s pants off. Isak helped him, raising his legs up. The sight of Isak naked in front of him forced Even to pause for a split second, just to take it all in. He reached out his hand and wiped away the shadows of pink on Isak’s cheeks with his thumb. Isak was here. He was here. Everything was okay.

“Even?”

Even heard the question replace the passion. He blinked rapidly to clear his thoughts and looked at Isak, smiling.

“Sorry. I got hypnotized by your beauty.”

Isak laughed. His laughter shattered the last walls around Even. Even was now bare and without any shelter, his heart throbbing harder than his dick.

“Should I snap my fingers or something? I’d really like to be fucked now.” Isak lifted his hips a couple of times, and Even was almost hypnotised again by the motion. He shook his head.

“Yes, yes. Lube?”

Isak nodded with his head.

“In the drawer with the condoms.”

Oh. Right. Condoms. Even noticed to his horror that he would have forgotten about them if Isak hadn’t mentioned them. How many times before had that happened? He didn’t know the exact number, but definitely more than once. More than five times. He should probably get his filthy ass tested again. He would. First thing Monday morning, he promised to himself, knowing well he wasn’t going to keep that promise. He’d sleep too long. Or he’d be out of clean clothes. Tram card out of credit, forgotten to charge his phone, there could be any excuse and he would take it.

Now he took a condom, and the lube.

“I should wash my hands”, he said. Isak sighed, impatiently, but nodded. Even knew where the bathroom was. He left Isak on the bed and sneaked out of his room, made his way to the bathroom in the near dark and left the door open so he didn’t have to turn on the lights and look at himself in the mirror.


	7. The Graduation Party, part four

Even heard Isak move. The bed creaked, then Isak’s door opened and Isak’s steps walked into the kitchen. He heard the fridge door open and close, and the cap of a bottle snap. He stood there, the water running, his hands soaking under the stream, and listened. He imagined Isak in the kitchen, leaning his hip on the counter, sipping his beer slowly, and something inside him ached.

It wasn’t real love. Nobody fell in love in the second time meeting someone, or the first. It was some odd lust, a misplaced longing to be worthy of someone, and if Even weren’t this crazy he could have told the difference.

When Even finally closed the tap and dried his hands his fingertips were wrinkly. He had got lost in himself again. That didn’t happen when he was with other people, at least not when he was alone with them and they could notice easily. There had been two people this far that had seen Even do this. Mikael. And Sonja. Even didn’t care to think what it meant.

He was stepping out of the bathroom when he realized Isak was still in the kitchen. The thought made him stop mid-step, halfway out of the bathroom’s door. He swallowed slowly. Should he have said something? Probably? What could he say?

“I’m sorry”, he finally said. He spoke quietly, but still the sound of his voice seemed to shriek through the silence in the apartment. “I think I blacked out for a bit there.”

“Are you okay? I started to get worried.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. I’m just. How do you bounce back from that buzzkill?”

Even heard Isak put the bottle down and walk closer. He saw Isak’s outline framed by the kitchen doorway.

“I have a thought. But first, tell me, do you really want this? It’s okay to back down if you’re not feeling it.”

Fuck, no. It was definitely not okay to back down. Besides, Even did want this. It had just been an emotional day. This was supposed to be his graduation day, finally, but like so many things in his life this far, it wasn’t.

“I want to. Please, let me fuck you now.”

Isak chuckled. He walked to Even, who had temporarily lost control of his legs.

“Just FYI, that’s not how to bounce back. You’re so lucky I like you.”

“Yes. I am.”

Isak stopped in front of Even, smiling at him. He looked incredible in this near darkness. Almost ethereal.

“I’m glad you understand your position”, Isak said and took Even’s face between his hands. “Speaking of, I like to be pinned on my back. Really press my shoulders down, and pull my leg up on your shoulder. Is that okay with you?”

Even couldn’t speak. But he couldn’t nod, either, because Isak was holding his face, so he kind of had to relearn the skill of speech. And fast.

“Yes.”

Well done!

Even was rewarded by Isak’s kiss. He responded to it eagerly, happy to erase the insecurity of whatever the fuck it was that had just happened and replace it with lust. He knew lust. It was a simple emotion, just a primal need to be fulfilled. Isak pulled Even with him towards his room, pacing his steps to the rhythm of the want, and Even found that so easy to follow.

He followed it all the way to the bed. The lube and the condom were still just lying on it, first shamefully forgotten and now conveniently found. Isak lay down on his back, while Even got rid of his pants and underwear and knelt between Isak’s eagerly spread legs. Even was so happy he had done this before, so he knew what the fuck he was doing.

The click of the lube’s cap made Even’s mouth water. It was the sound of sex. The prelude of pleasure. Even squirted some lube on his palm and rubbed it for a moment to warm it up. He slicked up his index finger while he was at it. Isak helped him out by grabbing his own ass and spreading his cheeks. Even pressed his finger on the exposed rim and pushed.

“Oooh, warm lube. Gentlemanly”, Isak giggled after the initial soft moan. Even nodded.

“I hate cold lube on my ass. Makes me feel like I’m getting my prostate examined.”

“Feel free to examine mine.” Isak was still giggling. He was so happy all the time, and he managed to make Even feel like he was happy because he was with Even. It was a good feeling. Almost better than fingering Isak made Even feel. Almost.

Isak made lovely, lovely sounds when Even moved his finger inside him. He guided Even’s hands with them, letting him know exactly where he liked it and how hard. He bucked his hips against Even’s hand every now and then.

“Fuck that feels good..give me more.”

Even did. He gave Isak more. Two fingers at the time, sinking into Isak who was now feeling tighter again. Moaning louder. Even bent his fingers inside him and enjoyed the sight of Isak arching his back, his head pushed back and his eyes closed, his mouth open.

“Do you want a third finger?” Even asked, rubbing Isak’s prostate slowly. Isak was panting. He was squirming. His skin was glistening.

“Fuck -- fuck me. Give me dick.”

Even nodded. He pulled his fingers back and wiped his hand on the sheets. He wasn’t nervous anymore. He had made Isak squirm and moan, he knew what he was doing. Isak was so sexy. Even had no difficulties staying hard whatsoever. He took the condom, ripped it open and rolled it carefully over his dick. He warmed up some more lube and lathered it all over his hard-on, glancing at Isak.

“Ready?”

Isak laughed, frustrated and horny.

“Yes! Give. Dick. Please.”

Even positioned himself between Isak’s legs. He pushed gently behind Isak’s thighs with his arms, to help Isak spread himself more open for him.

“One dick, coming right up.”

The first push cut their chuckling short. It was intense, and focused, Isak whimpered quietly and Even fell completely silent. He looked at Isak, in his green eyes, and felt their two bodies flow together. They were one now, Even thought, one body, one soul, and he was surprised to notice he wasn’t ashamed of what he was bringing into it. He was what Isak wanted. He was enough.

Even pushed all the way inside, until his pelvis was touching Isak’s. He stopped there, to let Isak catch his breath, to let himself get accustomed to being inside someone like this. He had been inside Sonja like this, more than once, but it hadn’t been -- she hadn’t enjoyed it this much. She had liked it, yes, but not like this.

Isak’s whole skin was like rippling under Even’s fingers. He grabbed Isak’s leg and guided it on his shoulder. He leaned over Isak, pressing his arm across Isak’s chest a bit above his collarbones, and pinned him down.

“Like this?”

“Give it to me”, Isak mumbled, clinging to Even’s shoulders with his fingertips. “Hard.”

Even gave it to him. He moved his hips in a steady, accelerating rhythm, pulling out and pushing in over and over again, in a staccato of their skin slapping together and Isak’s sharp high pitched moans. It sounded so fucking hot. It looked even hotter, and it felt incredible. How Isak let Even pin himself down on the mattress, and how he didn’t struggle at all, he just surrendered his body to Even’s body, to Even’s dick, worshiping it with his own flesh. He made Even forget about everything except this very moment, this feeling, this growing demand inside him that finally peaked into a deafening crescendo.

Even collapsed on top of Isak first. He rolled over slowly, he had barely any control over his body. He heard Isak grab his own dick and jerk off beside him. He felt a bit bad for coming first, but Isak didn’t seem to mind. He whimpered when he came, and when it was all over Isak turned his head to press his lips on Even’s shoulder.

“Fuck. Thank you.”

Even blinked, trying to focus his eyes on Isak. He had to bite his tongue to keep himself quiet. He just hummed.


	8. The Housewarming Party, part one

Even was in the kitchen folding the napkins when the first guests arrived. He heard Sonja go open the door and high pitched, enthusiastic greetings, cheek kisses and congratulations. Sonja said she’d take the bubbly in the fridge and arrived in the kitchen with a bottle of mid-range cava and an aura of disbelief.

“Even? What are you doing?”

“I’m folding the napkins”, Even said, not raising his eyes to meet Sonja’s.

“Are you high?”

“I don’t know”, Even lied. He was a bit high, but definitely not too much. He knew his own limits, and he had smoked just enough to make himself social and charming. Practically not high at all, so he actually hadn’t lied. Not really.

“Don’t you think we have enough napkins for fifteen people?” Sonja didn’t sound festive. Maybe she needed to get a bit not-actually-high as well. Even didn’t dare offer her any weed, she might have confiscated it. She was uptight like that at times.

Even stopped folding and looked at the stack. It was about the height of the wine bottle it was standing next to. Great. He was too stupid to fold fucking napkins.

“Someone might spill their drink”, Even came up with. Sonja forced a smile on her face. Even had seen that smile so many times before. The let’s-not-upset-the-madman smile. He hated it. Sonja took the near empty packet of napkins from in front of Even and shoved it in a drawer.

“Thanks for the help”, Sonja said. She put the cava in the fridge and took two readily poured glasses of welcome toasts from the counter. She carried them to the living room to hand out to the guests, and Even just kind of stood there by the kitchen table, not knowing what to do.

Well. This was a party. Even took two glasses with him and went to the living room after Sonja. He handed the other glass over to her. He didn’t know the couple who was with her, so he decided to introduce himself. He shook the guy’s hand and gave the lady a nice kiss on the hand.

“Even Bech Næsheim. Sonja’s partner.” That was only half lie. They weren’t actually in a relationship, hadn’t been since they split up for the first time, but every now and then they just ended up together for some time until Even eventually found something better to do.

“Nice to meet you”, the man said. “You have a lovely home.”

“Even doesn’t live here”, Sonja corrected, a bit too hastily to be polite. Even had to do something to keep things from getting awkward. He wrapped his arm around Sonja’s waist and grinned.

“She likes her space. I’m letting her enjoy it while she can. Sooner or later she’ll beg me to move in, but for now I’m happy with a drawer.” He glanced at Sonja, smiling. See, babe, it’s cool. Everything’s cool. “Even though her stuff tends to overflow in there. Does yours have too much shit, too?”

The guy wasn’t expressing the camaraderie Even had expected. Maybe he was whipped. Maybe he  _ liked _ being whipped. Sonja squirmed free of Even’s hold and raised her glass.

“Welcome. The others should be arriving shortly. There’s snacks on the side table, and some canapés in the kitchen, as well as white and rosé.”

Yup. Even was in a party where people ate canapés and drank rosé. That was certainly a change of pace to his usual parties. Kegs, not canapés. A half stale bag of crisps, not home made roasted nuts with rosemary and chipotle. People five years younger than him, not his peers, and music that sounded like shit instead of The Essential David Bowie. That was a party. Those parties weren’t any more fun than what Even expected this one to be, but at least he’d get to hook up at them.

Even emptied his glass to give himself an excuse to retreat back to the kitchen. When he saw the ridiculous stack of napkins he took out his phone and opened the wallet. He stroked at the worn out piece of paper he had stuffed in the credit card slot, and as always, it helped. He remembered Isak, how beautiful he had been, and how he had wanted Even to have his number so much that he refused any excuse Even could come up with. His phone was out of battery, his charging port was busted and accepted only the charger he had at home, he didn’t remember his own number by heart -- but he had to take the piece of paper Isak had ripped from a notebook, because telling Isak his pockets were full of holes would have been just stupid.

Of course, Even had never called Isak, or sent him a message, or added his number to his contacts. He kept the piece of paper with him at all times, as a reminder, that there had been a moment when someone had thought he was worth pursuing, even after getting their way with him.

“Here”, Sonja said from behind Even, gesturing at the counter. “Non alcoholic drinks are on this tray.”

Even nodded.

“Okay.”

“I have invited people from work.”

“That explains the canapés.”

“Even, please. You didn’t have to come.”

“What are you talking about? Wouldn’t it be weird if your partner missed your housewarming party?”

“You’re not my partner”, Sonja said. She sounded annoyed and sad at the same time, and on top of that she was feeling sorry for Even. Even hated it when she did that.

“Oh? What should I call myself, then? Your booty call?”

“Of course not. I just mean --” Sonja stopped talking when the doorbell rang. She looked at Even apologetically and went to get the door. Even followed her.

“What? What do you mean?”

“Later”, Sonja said.

“I don’t think so”, Even demanded. “What the fuck do you mean?”

“A partner is someone you can trust”, Sonja hissed through her teeth. She unlocked the door and pulled it open, smiling at her friends Even didn’t recognize. He probably didn’t know anyone on the guest list. He should have just left, but that would have proved Sonja right. Instead, he went to get a glass from the tray, poured the drink in the sink and filled the glass up from the bowl. He fished the maraschino cherry out of the sink and dropped it in his glass just in time before Sonja came to put another bottle of cava in the fridge. She checked Even’s glass, saw the cherry and kissed his cheek.

Even took a napkin from the stack to rub off the lipstick stain. He grinned at Sonja.

“See? You never know when you need a napkin.”

Sonja laughed. Even could hear the relief loud and clear. He hadn’t made a scene after all, he could act like a decent fucking person. Even raised his glass, winked at Sonja and took a nice, big sip.

Even arranged some more canapés from the fridge on the tray. Almost all guests had arrived, and the living room was full of chatter and laughing, and Even was starting to get in the mood. He knew he was just pretending he had any right to be here, but he was great at pretending, and he was starting to get a nice buzz going. Sonja’s company kept her busy enough so she wasn’t watching Even constantly, and when Even filled his glass from the bowl once again neither Sonja or himself had any idea how many times it had happened already.

“Here we go! Salmon and shrimp for everyone”, Even declared, bringing the tray to the living room. He made a full round and everyone took a piece. He had brought a couple extra, and set the tray on the side table. A woman whose name Even didn’t remember anymore came to get seconds.

“These are delicious. Have you made them?”

“Well. I helped whip the cream cheese, so technically, I suppose I did.” Even flashed her one of his cheekier grins, because she looked good for her age and probably appreciated the attention of someone younger and hotter.

“Whipped? That’s what makes it so light”, she stated the obvious. Even nodded.

“So, Even, right? What do you do?”

“Canapés”, Even said. She laughed at the joke. It sounded genuine. “And you?”

Even didn’t bother listening to the response. He didn’t care, he just didn’t want to talk about himself. He didn’t want to tell Sonja’s important guest that he was unemployed, again, between part-time entry level jobs, living with his parents again because they couldn’t afford his apartment anymore. He didn’t want to tell anyone, and as the doorbell rang Even was more than happy to excuse himself and go get the door.

If the guy behind the door hadn’t already stepped half way past the threshold, Even would have closed the door again, just as a reflex. Because the guy wasn’t alone. Isak was with him.


	9. The Housewarming Party, part two

Isak was looking at his phone, which made him not notice Even until it was too late. He was inside the apartment, with his companion, and Even could only stare at them. The guy with Isak was nice looking, in a friendly way. He had dark curly hair and bushy eyebrows, and a warm smile. He offered Even his hand to shake.

“Hi, I’m Jonas. This is Issy.”

Isak rolled his eyes and huffed, still looking at his phone.

“Isak.”

“Sorry, he’s a bit cranky. I haven’t fed him properly today.” Jonas shook Even’s hand. “I didn’t catch your name?”

“Even?” Isak had put his phone away and was now staring at Even. Even swallowed, and let slowly go of Jonas’ hand.

“Hello, Isak. You look well.”

Jonas made a face and slunk past Even.

“That’s my cue to find our hostess. Nice meeting you, Even.”

Even mumbled something to Jonas and kept staring at Isak. He was so fucking happy he hadn’t listened to Sonja. He needed this buzz to survive tonight.

“Why are you here?”

Isak raised his brows.

“I’m his plus one?”

“Shit. We have to get you out of here before she notices you.”

“What the hell?” Isak looked at Even funny. Even didn’t like it, it felt like an accusation. “How drunk are you?”

Even didn’t listen. He found his shoes and pulled them on, and grabbed his jacket too. He had to take Isak out of here before Sonja found out who Jonas had brought in. The twink Even had dumped her for.

“Where are you going?”

Even froze. Fuck. He was too late. Sonja was here. Even looked at her over his shoulder, trying to think of something. He didn’t have anything. Sonja was going to get very angry very shortly.

“Thought I’d get some fresh air”, he said. Sonja cocked her head.

“Go to the balcony? Even, I know you don’t like this party, but could you at least stay civil for two more hours?”

“Issy? What’s keeping you?” Jonas appeared behind Sonja. Game over. Even sighed, took his shoes off and stepped aside so Sonja could see Isak. He braced himself for the scene about to happen.

Sonja smiled at Isak.

“Welcome. We were just about to open a bottle of cava.”

“Nice, I love cava”, Isak said, pushing past Even to greet Sonja properly. Jonas threw his arm around Isak’s waist.

“You love anything with bubbles, babe.”

Isak laughed. He sounded different than Even remembered. More grown up.

“Guilty as charged.”

“Even, could you open a bottle?” Sonja asked. Even blinked, slowly, and went to the kitchen. He buried his face in the coolness of the fridge for a moment, just to clear his head a bit. It didn’t really help all that much.

Isak was here. After all this time, he was here, of all places. At Sonja’s housewarming party. With someone who called him Issy. And babe. And held him by the waist. Someone handsome, who clearly had his head together, and his life too. Isak had moved on, and why wouldn’t he have?

Even pulled out a cold bottle of sparkling wine. His hands were shaking. The foil got torn into tiny little pieces while Even tried to peel it off. He let them fall on the floor. They looked like golden and silver confetti. Very festive.

People laughed in the living room. Even heard Isak’s new laughter above everyone else’s, and it cut through him like a knife. It didn’t sound like Isak. It didn’t sound like he was having fun. Even supported the bottle on the counter and eased the cork off gently. His hands had been shaking so much he was surprised that the cava stayed in the bottle instead of bursting out in clouds of foam.

Even filled the glasses up. He had to open two more bottles to get enough for everybody. He weighed the third, now half empty bottle in his hand, pressed his thumb over the mouth and shook it vigorously. He lifted his face up towards the ceiling, brought the bottle to his lips and pulled his thumb away. The fizzy wine burst out, it rushed into him with an angry hiss, and Even swallowed it to the very last drop.

It was a small miracle that Even managed to carry the tray to the living room without dropping it. He was really starting to feel drunk. Not in his head, no, his mind felt crystal clear, sharp and sober, but his body was getting sloppy. Sonja gave him a long look as he passed her, but he ignored it.

They raised a toast to Sonja’s new apartment. Even emptied his glass with one gulp. He glared at Jonas, who was still holding Isak like he owned him, and headed out to the balcony. He really needed that fresh air now.

It was dark out there. The party behind the window was bathing in light. Even looked at it for a moment, like through one of those see through mirrors, and embraced his loneliness. He felt like a complete outsider. It was true, too. He had no place in that party. He turned his back to it, looking out into the darkness.

The door was opened and closed behind him. He didn’t turn to look at who it was. He didn’t care. It either was someone he didn’t know, or it was Sonja who wanted to tell him off, or it was Isak who -- Even didn’t know what he could have wanted, but he wasn’t feeling like giving it.

A lighter clicked. Even could smell the cigarette smoke.

“Lost my number?” Isak asked, calmly. Even had to grab the railing. The world was feeling unstable all of a sudden, or maybe it was just his legs. He didn’t turn to look at Isak.

“I got dragged into a party on my way home. Someone stole my phone.”

“Asshole”, Isak said. Even couldn’t tell if he meant the thief or Even himself. He didn’t care to know, either.

“How does Jonas know Sonja?”

“He knows a lot of people. He’s like that. You know, the type that makes friends anywhere?”

“God, I hate those people”, Even huffed. Isak laughed. This time it sounded more familiar.

“Me too.”

“Yet you’re dating him?” Even tried to sound lighthearted. Like he didn’t care. He had no right to care, he had no claim over Isak. He maybe could have had, but he had let that opportunity slip away.

“It’s complicated.”

They were quiet for a moment. Isak was smoking, and Even was staring into darkness, trying to ignore how the soles of his feet were getting numb on the cold floor.

“How complicated?” Even finally asked.

“You know the kind of people who are great friends but horrible boyfriends?”

“Can’t say I do.”

“Now you know one”, Isak sighed. He flicked the remains of his cigarette over the railing. Even’s eyes followed the red dot as it descended. The drop was quite short. That gave him an idea.

“Do me a favour”, Even said. “Get my shoes and jacket and throw them down from the balcony. Do it without Sonja noticing you.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Thank you.” Even grabbed the railing tighter, swung his leg over it and straddled it. He used the same momentum to get his other leg over as well. He adjusted his grip, so he could hold on for as long as possible, let his body drop down as close to the ground as he could reach and let go. He was so tall he fell barely a metre. Landing on the pavement didn’t even hurt.

Even looked up at Isak, with a triumphant grin. The ground was even colder than the balcony floor, but it didn’t matter. Even was free.


	10. The Housewarming Party, part three

“You’re insane!” Isak hissed, leaning over the railing. He looked scared and thrilled at the same time.

“I barely felt the impact.” Even shrugged. He had to hop a bit now, to spare his feet from the cold. “The shoes?”

“Insane”, Isak repeated, and disappeared. Even heard the music get louder and then muffled out again as Isak went inside. The rush of what he had just done was starting to wear off. The cava was still buzzing in his head, so it wasn’t too bad. All he needed was a pair of shoes and the party could go on in some better joint.

Time passed on. The balcony remained empty. Even kept hopping, but it didn’t really work anymore. His feet were getting completely numb. If Isak didn’t come back soon, Even would have to return to the apartment, and the only way back in was through the front door. That was a very, very slightly better option to hypothermia or frostbite and amputation. At least it wouldn’t be as shameful.

The door to the building opened. It was Isak, who was wearing his own shoes and jacket, and holding Even’s. Even hurried to him and slipped his feet into his shoes, grateful for the insulation. Isak waited while Even got dressed. Even patted his pockets quickly. No phone. No keys. Just his wallet.

Even looked at Isak. He looked a bit fuzzy, like Even’s eyes wouldn’t focus properly.

“I’d invite you over but my keys are still up there.”

Isak nodded. He glanced at the balcony. It remained empty. His profile looked so pretty, framed by the stairwell light coming from behind him. Even was aching again. For this man.

“Let’s get a room”, Even said. Isak turned to look at him. He gave Even a long, thorough look, and nodded again.

“Yes.”

Even was surprised by the confidence in Isak’s voice. He was agreeing to cheating on his partner, with Even, just like that. A bit like Even was planning on cheating on his. With Isak. Who took out his phone and started tapping at it.

“What are you doing?” Even asked. Isak looked at him from under his brow.

“Checking for available rooms?”

“Oh. Right. Right. You do that, while I’ll -- um. I’ll wait right here.” Even didn’t have anything else he could do. He shoved his hands in his pockets, wiggled his toes, and did his best to keep warm. Finally, Isak sighed and lowered his phone.

“Nothing, except a suite at the Plaza.”

“We’ll take it”, Even said, without hesitation. Isak’s jaw dropped. Even took out his wallet and handed his credit card over to Isak. “Put it on this.”

Isak took the card. He gave Even another long look, but Even kept his cool. Isak tapped on his phone for a while, entered the card’s information and handed it back over to Even. Their fingers touched as Even took the card. It felt electrifying.

“It’s ours.”

“Excellent. Shall we?”

Isak nodded. They started walking, side by side, their breaths forming little clouds in the cold night air. Even kept looking at Isak form the corner of his eye. Isak looked. Lively. He was grinning almost constantly, and his step was light.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this”, Isak said, turning his face towards Even. “This is absolutely insane.”

Even chuckled. Isak sure got that right. Insane was Even’s thing.

“I can’t believe you said yes”, Even confessed. Isak shook his head.

“Me neither. But you’re right. Fuck that party.”

Even almost couldn’t believe this was real. He had stolen Isak away, so easily, effortlessly, just like the months and months when Even didn’t call Isak never existed.

“And fuck him, too.” Isak was speaking softer now. He sounded defeated.

“Want to talk about it?”

Isak sighed.

“There’s not much to talk about, really. I don’t know why we’re even trying anymore. Probably out of convenience. He’s my roommate, you see, and things just sort of..led. To things. You know how it goes.”

Even had no idea how it goes.

“We’ve been friends forever. He was my first crush, and -- I don’t know. We should just break up, but we are roommates and good friends, and I can’t bear the thought of losing him.”

Even didn’t say anything. He thought about Sonja, who was about to notice Even had disappeared without his phone or his keys, suspiciously at the same time with Isak. He would lose her for good tonight, he knew it. He had traded her off for one night in a suite with Isak, and right now that felt like an excellent deal.

“He cheats on me”, Isak said. “I’m sure he does. He has cheated everyone he has ever dated, and there’s no reason to assume I’m an exception.”

Isak stopped walking. Even stopped too, letting Isak grab his arm.

“What am I doing?” Isak whispered. Even looked at him, carefully. He was the most beautiful person Even had ever seen. Even’s eyes locked on Isak’s lips, and he leaned closer. Isak cocked his head and opened his mouth, the slightest bit. Isak’s mouth tasted just like Even remembered it did. Even’s hand landed on Isak’s waistline, and Isak’s on Even’s shoulder.

When the kiss was over Isak pressed his forehead on Even’s, his eyes closed. His hand flowed down along Even’s arm, and took Even’s hand.

“What the fuck am I doing?”

“We, Isak”, Even said quietly. “You’re not alone in this.”

Isak laughed a little, shaking his head.

“Fuck. This is so stupid. Who runs into the night and gets a suite at the Plaza on a whim?”

Even squeezed Isak’s hand.

“Me. That sounds exactly like something I would do. Want to join me?”

Isak looked up. His eyes were glistening.

“I want to. But it’s wrong.”

“Many things are.”

Even stepped back, still holding Isak’s hand. Isak didn’t pull his hand away. He let Even hold it as they started walking again. They were heading for the hotel, and the suite that Even could absolutely not afford. It didn’t matter. This was worth it. Walking hand in hand with Isak in the night. Stopping to kiss him at every street corner. His head was buzzing with the cava, and his heart was intoxicated by Isak’s presence.

They reached the hotel when Isak stopped again. He looked up the towering building, and then at Even. He looked frightened.

“I can’t”, he whispered. He still didn’t let go of Even’s hand. “I’m sorry, I can’t.”

“I lied”, Even hurried to say. “I still have your number. It’s my most prized possession, and I haven’t called you because -- I didn’t think you’d want me to.”

“I wanted to. I knew you wouldn’t, but I hoped.” Isak nibbled on the skin of his bottom lip. “You’re not okay, are you?”

Even almost lied. He was so used to it. The way Isak looked at him was the only thing that stopped him. Isak was so worried, and scared, but still underneath all that was something soothing. A silent strength Even had lost himself years ago.

“No. I’m not. I’ll never be.”

Isak nodded slowly, biting on his lip again.

“That suite is not refundable.”

Even nodded. Isak looked up, squinting to see the top floors.

“I’ve never been inside a suite.”

“Me neither.”

“It’d be pity to let one go to waste.”

“I agree.”

Isak’s fingers fiddled with Even’s. Then they slid between them and held on.


	11. The Housewarming Party, part four

They entered the suite hand in hand. Even was grateful for the support, since his legs were getting wobblier by the minute. In hindsight, chugging the cava had probably been a bad idea. It was too late to worry about that.

“Whoa. This place is massive! It’s bigger than our apartment!”

“It’s almost as big as our house”, Even said, before he understood what he was saying. Isak stopped feeling the duvet and looked at him.

“Our house?” The question emphasised both words. Isak was curious about this  _ our _ thing as much as about the house. Even didn’t want to talk about either.

“I moved back home”, he said, walking to the window. The view of the night was spectacular from up here. He was happy to share it with Isak. “For now.”

Isak’s reflection sat down on the edge of the bed and nodded.

“Fuck, I wish that was an option for me. I need a roommate, and that means --” Isak stopped talking, and shook his head a bit. He didn’t know Even could see him. He looked almost fragile. The sight of him took Even’s breath away. “I don’t know. Jonas is so much more than a roommate to me, but this dating thing was a huge mistake. We should have just stayed friends. I’m scared we can’t go back to that anymore.”

“He seemed like a huge jerk”, Even said. Isak laughed a little, shaking his head again.

“He’s performing. It’s like a part he’s playing. I think he doesn’t know how to be a boyfriend, you know?”

“If you say so.”

Isak in the window fell on his back.

“Fuck, this bed is like a cloud! But in a firm way. It’s like I’m weightless.”

Even just nodded. He liked this. Looking at Isak without really looking at him. Like watching a movie, he thought. Then he noticed he was in that movie too. There were two reflections on the window. Two men, who both were and weren’t in this suite.

“Could you come here?”

Even backed over to the bed, keeping his eyes on the window. He looked like a ghost. He felt like one. A ghost, a shadow -- a memory. Isak sat up again, looking at Even’s back. Even saw how blue he was. His skin looked translucent. Isak scooted back on the bed and spread his legs. Even sat down between them. Isak wrapped his arms around him. He pressed his face against the side of Even’s neck and inhaled, deep.

“I want to take you”, Isak whispered. His breath tickled at Even’s ear. “May I?”

Even gasped softly. He looked at their image and marvelled at its beauty. Ethereal creatures, entwined in an embrace. Isak pressed his chest tightly against Even’s back. Even could feel Isak’s rib cage move with his breathing. How could anything so fragile looking feel so strong?

Isak’s long fingers played with the top button of Even’s shirt.

“I need that yes.”

“Yes”, Even gasped.

“Yes what?” The button popped open. Isak slipped his fingertips on Even’s skin, barely touching it. Their breathing was getting in sync.

“Take me. Please.”

The Isak in the window unbuttoned Even’s shirt slowly. He pulled it apart like a curtain, revealing Even’s pale chest in the reflection. Even watched them closely. At their watercolour outlines, at the lights of the city shining behind them. They looked like they were under water.

Isak pulled Even’s shirt over his shoulders. Even helped him free his arms from the sleeves. The cuffs got stuck on his hands. Isak gave one sleeve a tentative pull, and Even pulled back. They yanked together, and the button flew away and disappeared into the luscious carpet. Isak pressed his forehead between Even’s shoulder blades, breathing heavily. He could feel it, Even was certain of it. This fragile, pulsating moment of no return.

“I should call Jonas”, Isak mumbled. He didn’t sound like his heart was into it.

“If you must”, Even said. His voice was low and husky. Isak opened and closed his mouth against Even’s skin a couple of times.

“Fuck”, Isak sighed. He pushed himself back, leaving Even sitting there, stuck on his shirt from his hand. “I’ll just. Call him. Wait.”

Isak got up on his knees. He took his phone from his pocket and lifted it on his ear, biting his lip. Even watched him from the window. How his shoulders slumped and he put the phone down.

“His phone is off”, Isak sighed. He rubbed his mouth with his palm. “Fuck.”

Even nodded slowly.

“Now what?”

“I mean. We are over. It’s done for, we both know it, we just haven’t said it out loud yet.” Isak kept touching his face, wearing this weird half smile on his lips. He looked almost desperate. “And me running off with you without telling him -- he must get the hint, right?”

Even nodded again. If Jonas wasn’t a complete idiot, he could put two and two together. If not, Sonja would probably fill him in. She was a clever girl.

“It still counts as cheating, doesn’t it?”

Even had no idea. He didn’t know the rules. Most of the time he didn’t care about the rules. He unbuttoned his remaining cuff just to get his hands something to do. The shirt fell on the floor at his feet.

“Maybe.”

“I’ve never cheated on anyone before.”

Before. Isak had already made up his mind, he was just going through the motions. Even didn’t mind. He had won. Isak was here with him. Isak wanted to sleep with him.

“I’ve never had a man inside me before.”

That did it. Isak put his phone away and inched back to Even. He was sitting on his heels, Even between his knees, and he pressed his mouth on Even’s shoulder line. His breath was hot and wet.

Even watched the scene unfold in the window. How Isak’s hands travelled down his chest. How they undid his belt buckle and his pants, and how calmly he undressed Even like he was peeling a rare, exotic fruit. How he ran his mouth along Even’s skin, tasting him, savouring him.

They looked really, really sexy together. Their long limbs, their bodies, their faces, everything just kind of matched. Isak tried to push his hand into Even’s pants, but Even took his wrist and pulled it away.

“I’m drunk”, he muttered, blushing. Isak hummed right into his ear and nipped at the earlobe with his teeth.

“It’s okay. I’ve got you.”

Even could feel it against his lower back. Isak got him. Isak was hard, hard and ready, and Even couldn’t wait to get that thing inside his body. It wasn’t like he had been saving himself for Isak, but he totally had.

“Yes”, Even whispered, tilting his head so Isak got better access to the side of his neck. “Fuck yes.”

Isak eased himself around Even. He pushed himself between Even and the reflection. He blocked Even’s underwater view and replaced it with reality. A part of Even almost protested, but as Isak threw his own shirt away that part was silenced by Isak’s lightly defined abs. Someone had been working out. Even let Isak guide him on his back on the bed, and as Isak leaned down to kiss him he closed his eyes and received him.


	12. The Housewarming Party, part five

They kissed very slowly and thoroughly. It was like they were filled with passion without any of the urgency Even had usually learned to connect with lust. Jonas had turned his phone off, Even didn’t have his phone at all, and they had the whole suite for themselves until tomorrow. Morning seemed years away.

Isak took Even’s pants and underwear off without getting up from top of him. Even moaned so quietly it was more of a whimper really. He wasn’t hard, barely semi, his potency sizzled away in the fizz of the cava. Isak had said it was okay, but Even still couldn’t help feeling the blunt, metallic hint of shame at the back of his head. He couldn’t get it hard. The ultimate emasculation.

Even’s thoughts were interrupted by the gasp that feeling Isak’s very masculine, very hard dick against his thigh forced out of him. Fuck, it felt good. It felt just like Even had remembered it feeling. It was the feeling he had been looking for with other boys, other men, without any success. It was the dick Even had been waiting for, and now it was going to be his.

Even fumbled at Isak’s belt.

“These. Off. Please.” He wanted to feel Isak completely. All of him. Purest form. Isak got out of the bed, grabbed Even’s hands and helped him stand up as well.

“I bet the sheets feel amazing here”, Isak said. Even got the hint. He pulled the duvet out and the blankets aside, so that when Isak had undressed they could slide in between the sheets together. Isak was right. It felt sublime.

“Fuck yeah, this is the best bed I’ve ever been in”, Isak sighed happily. Then he kissed Even again. Even returned the kiss, hungrily but without greed. Isak was all his now, there was no need to get greedy. He didn’t have to share. These cool sheets, Isak’s warm skin, both equally smooth and pleasant to touch, they were his.

Isak grabbed the blanket and pulled it over them. It was warm and thick, made for winter, and after only a couple of minutes of kissing under it they were too hot. Isak pouted. He wanted to feel the luxury in full, he said, and in a stroke of rare and random genius Even pulled the other half of the sheet from under the mattress and folded the whole thing over them. They didn’t need all this surface just beneath them, they could spare some to cover them as well.

Isak looked so pleased. Even wished he was a cyborg or something, that he could have just blinked and a picture would have been taken, of Isak’s beautiful face right this very moment, to be kept forever. But he wasn’t a cyborg, and moments like this weren’t built to last. They passed, to make way for new moments one could only hope to make the most of.

The light was so soft in here. It made Isak look angelic. Even thought about taking pictures again, how he would have loved to photograph Isak here, but he didn’t have a camera with him. He owned one, but he had no idea where it was. He had thought he’d be into photography one time, a couple of years ago, after watching a video about building your own dark room. He hadn’t got far before that project had run out of steam and left him with an expensive piece of equipment he didn’t know how to use, a closet stripped of shelves and his ever present ability to fail at everything he tried.

Not now, Even said to himself. He could feel bad later. Now he was going to feel good, because Isak was here, and touching him in ways that felt so, so good. Feeling bad was easy, feeling good was hard, usually, and now that feeling good had been made as simple as possible for him he was not going to screw it up. He kissed Isak yet again, and rubbed his hard-on with his thigh. It made Isak shudder and moan, his eyes closed.

“Fuck, I want you”, Isak whispered, short of breath. “We need condoms. And lube. Do you have any?”

“I don’t have anything but my wallet”, Even reminded Isak. All his stuff was at Sonja’s place, or home, and both could have been on the opposite side of the planet and it wouldn’t have made a difference.

“Shit. Right.”

“Don’t you have any?”

“I have a boyfriend”, Isak sighed. Even nodded slowly. Right. People with partners didn’t usually carry around equipment to have sex with other people on a whim. That made sense, even to an incurable slut like Even.

“Is anything open nearby?”

“I don’t think so. We could maybe call the front desk and ask, they should know.”

Even crawled out of their nest and walked to the phone. He saw the speed dial numbers for the front desk, and the room service, and it occurred to him that he was in a suite, and suites were normally occupied by rich people, and rich people probably pulled stunts like this all the time.

When Even put the phone down and looked at Isak he saw terror mixed with exhilaration.

“Did you just order a pack of condoms and sexual lubricant via room service?”

“Yes. And a tuna melt sandwich. I hope you’re hungry. And like tuna.”

“I could eat”, Isak said. Exhilaration was winning over, and he laughed out loud. “Fuck, you really are insane.”

Even pulled his right shoulder up and let it drop. He was insane. That much was true. Clinically insane, a certified madman. Forever. He went to put on a robe that felt like wrapping himself inside a cloud of coziness, and minutes later someone knocked on the door. Even went to get the cart, and asked the server to put the tip on the room’s bill. He rolled the cart by the bed, and pulled the cloche up. The sandwich both looked and smelled incredible. The cloche was accompanied by a black toiletry bag, and when Even looked inside he found a brand new tube of lube and a pack of condoms.

“Wow. Life is really simple when you’re rich, huh?”

Even put the lid down and sat down next to Isak so they could share the sandwich, using the cart as a table.

“Getting the lube, condoms and a sandwich was not the complicated part in this”, Even said. Isak laughed.

“Right. Right. Mmh, this smells so good.” Isak bit down into his sandwich and made approving noises. Even dug in as well. He was hungry, and he should eat something to help his body deal with all the alcohol he had been forcing into it tonight. They ate in silence, visited the bathroom in turns and returned to bed.

It was weird. One could have thought the magic would have been gone now, but it was like they never left the bed. Isak pulled the sheet over them and the illusion returned, intact, the soft light surrounded them and Even leaned down to kiss the most beautiful man in the world. Isak was his, out of his free will, and Even had to believe in wonders because what else could this have been?

Isak guided Even on his back. He lay there, looking up at Isak, and spread his legs slowly to give room for Isak’s hand that slipped between them. Isak looked focused, intensely focused, as Even felt his finger slide into his body that gave away slowly but eagerly. He received. His dick flopped against his skin with every budge Isak made his hips do, and that was getting a bit much. He was starting to feel useless.

“I want to ride you”, Even whispered. Isak’s hand stopped moving, and he looked at Even, and it was obvious Isak liked the idea. He nodded.

“Yes. Fuck, that’s hot. Yes.”

“I’ve never done that before. Make me open.”

Isak nodded again, with a grin. He got back to it, fingering Even, and Even closed his eyes and tried to relax. Isak’s fingers felt good inside him, he took his time with Even, and when Even pressed his own palm lightly over his semi the shame loosened its grip on him again. It made way to pleasure.

After Even could take three fingers with relative ease Isak pulled his hand away. Even felt so open. He knew it was the point of all this, that Isak had worked quite hard to make that happen, but still he blushed at the feeling. It felt naughty. Dirty. Isak slid down on the bed on his side, next to Even, and kissed him.

“Ready?” Isak whispered. Even nodded. He was ready. He turned on his hands and knees and crawled over Isak, straddling him between his legs. He aligned their hips carefully, reached behind his back and grabbed Isak’s dick. Isak was holding his breath beneath him, and as Even started descending to him his mouth opened, in a silent, breathless moan.

Even felt like falling. He was falling into Isak. Isak pushed into him, inside him, with his real, live dick, and it felt incredible. Even had never felt anything quite like it before. He had never seen anything like Isak beneath him, his mouth cracked open and his eyes wide with wonder. When Even reached the bottom he stayed there, and they both shuddered with pleasure.

Isak was the first one to snap out of it. He brought his hands on Even’s hips and guided them gently, into a slow, rocking motion. Even followed their lead. He moved his body in the rhythm Isak beckoned it to, filled up to the brim by Isak’s dick. His body was arching over Isak’s, he leaned in to see Isak’s face from up close, to exchange kisses that were more like panting mixed with soft moans. He forgot who he was. He forgot where he was. He just was, just was with Isak, and whatever this was, he had needed this for so, so long.

Isak’s touches lost control bit by bit. His guidance turned into urging, and his beckoning into begging. Even was moving faster now, and Isak was pushing his hips up in their joint rhythm, and though Even knew he wasn’t going to come from this he couldn’t wait for Isak to. He wanted to make Isak come while inside him, and by the look on Isak’s face that was about to happen very soon.

Even was right. It took only a couple of thrusts and Isak dug his fingertips into Even’s thighs. He came. Even could feel it, how Isak was throbbing, and he really wished they weren’t using a condom because he was a greedy idiot who wanted to get every drop of Isak inside him. He didn’t kid himself by thinking that it could happen some other time. He was too skanky to have unsafe sex with anyone important.

Isak was important.

When Isak came down from his peak he tried to touch Even’s crotch. Even pushed his hand away. He was still too drunk to get hard.

“I’m good”, he said. He felt Isak slip out of him and he was once again left open and empty. He swung his leg over Isak and curled up against his side. Isak tied the condom into a knot and put it away. Even buried his face into Isak’s chest. He smelled so good after sex. Nobody smelled as good as Isak.

They were both half asleep when something startled them awake. It was a ringtone. Isak cussed, and struggled his way out from inside the sheets. He found his phone and took it with him to the bathroom. Even heard him answer. He heard Jonas’ name.

Isak was still on the phone when Even opened the door as quietly as he could and slipped outside.


	13. The Birthday Party, part one

Even was totally ready to get off his feet. The steam of the espresso machine made his forehead sweaty, he had burnt his fingers twice today on the bagel oven and he had forgotten to bring any lunch so he was also starving. The after work rush was finally starting to settle down, just in time for Even’s shift to end. He would make himself a huge mocha with three pumps of hazelnut syrup and extra whipped cream and call it a day.

He was steaming the milk when he saw two customers come in. He greeted them with all the cheerfulness he could muster on the last minute of his shift. They didn’t really pay attention to him. There was nothing new about that. Customer servers were more like furniture than people, and Even was exactly like that when he was buying groceries or getting a cheeseburger or whatever. The people serving him were simple cogs in the machine.

The customers got a table before coming to order. Even had time to finish his mocha. He added a drizzle of chocolate syrup on top of the whipped cream. He had his back turned to the room when he recognised Isak’s laughter. The drizzle turned into a puddle, he squeezed the bottle so hard. Even watched the mound of whipped cream cave in under the weight of the syrup, and something that felt very similar was going on in his chest as well.

It was still okay. Isak hadn’t seen him yet. He hadn’t seen Isak, either, he had worn a thick scarf around his face and a hat almost covering his eyes. It was a cold day and the wind was brutal, like always in February. Now all Even had to do was escape through the back and hurry home with his mocha, that was now probably too sweet even for him. At least he’d get some much needed sugar into his system.

Even had almost made it to the door when it swung open, and all his colleagues from his shift and the next one walked to meet him. The manager was holding a plate with a carrot cake cupcake - Even’s favourite - with a burning candle stuck on it. Even stared at them in shock and horror. He had forgotten what day it was.

When they started singing Even felt sick to his stomach. All eyes in the place were on him now. And he knew a pair of those eyes were the loveliest shade of green in existence. Everyone was smiling at him, and some customers were singing along, and when the song was over Even couldn’t feel his face.

He was congratulated with a flood of hugs and handshakes and kisses on the cheek, and urged to blow the candle out. He leaned in and sort of wished his hair would catch fire or something, just to get away from this. Nothing like that happened. The flame died with a single blow, and everyone clapped their hands. Even was directed to a vacant table with his mocha and his cupcake. He sat there, staring at his plate, while the world around him returned to normal. Someone pulled out the chair opposite him and sat down. Even recognised Isak’s hands easily.

“Happy birthday, Even.”

Even didn’t look up from his cupcake. It looked delicious, spicy and moist cake with a fluffy cream cheese frosting, and he was so, so hungry, but he had completely lost his appetite. He wanted to run away, but he couldn’t. He had only worked here for six weeks, it was way too soon to let the crazy shine through.

“I’m so sorry about last time”, Isak said. It was enough to startle Even to look up at Isak in disbelief.  _ Isak _ was sorry about last time?

“What?”

Isak looked so good. He had a shadow of a stubble that made him look more grown up, and Even could tell from Isak’s shoulders that he had kept up with the working out. Even’s mouth was watering, and not just because of the cupcake.

“I’m sorry. I was just. I didn’t expect running into you like that, and I was swamped with my classes and essays, and Jonas was being such a jerk -- I know these are just excuses. I took advantage of you when you were vulnerable, and I shouldn’t have, and I’m sorry.”

Even didn’t understand. He heard what Isak was saying, but it didn’t really sink in. Isak was sorry. Even had left him without saying a word, and never called him again, and Isak said he was sorry. Isak looked at him with a weary smile.

“I’m also sorry for calling you insane all the time. It was totally uncalled for.”

“I jumped off a balcony.” Oh, Even found his voice again. Barely, more like the shadow of it, but he could only hope Isak heard him. “That’s insane, no matter which way you look at it.”

“Still. It wasn’t cool of me.” Isak placed his hand on the table, reaching out to Even. Even couldn’t move his body at all. “I understand if you don’t want to forgive me.”

Even took a deep breath. Or he tried to. His lungs were still collapsed from the initial shock of understanding Isak was here.

“I do”, he managed to push out. One syllable words, not much more than exhales.

“Thank you.” Isak pulled his hand away. Even wanted to kick himself, but he couldn’t locate his legs.

He remembered Isak had come in with someone. He looked around, but didn’t see Jonas anywhere. He might have been in the bathroom, or he might have left because Even was here. Even would have to ask if he wanted to know. He had no idea if he wanted to or not.

“I’m sorry too”, he said instead. “I wasn’t really myself that night.”

That was a straight up lie. He was completely himself. He was insane, and being hypomanic was every bit as much himself as being functional was, or depressed. Isak had been right, he was insane.

Oh, but he had been drunk! And high. Good, good. Excellent. He had an excuse for all the shit he had done. No excuse in the world would make Sonja forgive him for pulling that stunt, but in the long run it was probably for the best. Sonja deserved better. She didn’t have to be babysitting Even anymore, she could pursue a life of her own now.

Isak looked at him for a moment. He was biting his lip, and pressing his chin, and Even just sat there like an idiot and waited.

“Do you regret it?” Isak finally asked. Even shook his head.

“No. Or yes. I mean -- I regret many things about that night. But what happened between us, in that bed, I don’t regret.” It was Even’s turn to bite his lip and gather his courage. He had forgotten about his drink and cupcake, and the possible presence of Jonas. The whole reality had shrunk into this table for two.

“Do you regret it?”

Isak shook his head. And nodded.

“No. Or yes.”

Even nodded too.


	14. The Birthday Party, part two

“Your cupcake looks delicious”, Isak said. Even looked down. Yes. Right. The cupcake. He picked the candle up and placed it on the edge of the plate. It left a hole in the perfect swirl of the frosting. Even stuck his finger into it, scooped up some of the tangy and sweet paste and pushed it into his mouth. The sugar dissolved on his tongue immediately.

“It is. Want some?”

Isak watched him intently as he took some more frosting on his finger and sucked it clean. This was what they did, right? They ran into each other and hooked up, and then parted ways. Even hadn’t asked for a birthday present from the universe, but he was willing to accept one.

Isak licked his lips slowly.

“I can’t have sugar this late in the day”, he said. “It’ll fuck up my sleep.”

“You have trouble sleeping?” Even asked, as he kept eating the frosting with his finger. He liked the way it made Isak look at him.

“Most of the time, lately. I probably shouldn’t even be here now, inhaling all the caffeine, but Chris has been bugging me all week about taking me out for coffee. I suppose he wore me down.” Isak nodded at a table where a hot guy was playing with his phone. “That’s Chris. The big daddy of all fuckboys.”

Even raised his brows. The big daddy of all fuckboys. And Isak was here, on a coffee date, with him -- except he wasn’t. He was with Even. The birthday boy.

“Am I interrupting something?”

Isak rolled his eyes and huffed.

“You’re saving my ass. Figuratively and literally, I suppose. I bet Chris is already hooking up with someone else on an app.”

“Damn fool. If I had a date with you I wouldn’t --” Even stopped talking when it was too late. Isak had heard him, and cocked his head, smiling. He leaned in closer.

“No, please, tell me about this date we’d be having. I’d love to hear more.”

“It’s not like I have a well thought out, elaborate fantasy about a date with you, you know.” Yes it was. It was exactly like that. But Isak didn’t have to know how stalkery Even could get on a sleepless night.

He ran out of frosting. Damn. He considered moving on to what whipped cream was left on his mocha, but decided against making a huge mess. He took a spoon like a good boy, and was pleased to notice it was almost as fun to lick as his fingers. And it made Isak look at him pretty much the same way.

“Are we talking about the first date or something further in?” Even asked. Isak blinked, like snapped out of a hypnosis, and looked up from Even’s mouth.

“Uhhh. First. Yeah, let’s do first.”

“I would not take you to a coffee chain place”, Even started with. It was probably a weird thing to say while still wearing the apron of one, but nonetheless, Even would not have brought Isak in a place like this.

“Would you take me somewhere to eat? I’m either hungry, tired or horny at all times. Most often a combo of all three.”

“Would you like a salad or a bagel or something? I get an employee discount.”

Isak shook his head.

“I’m fine. I ate before I left home, I wanted to get away from Chris as soon as possible.”

“I feel kind of bad for Chris.”

Isak shrugged.

“Sucks to be him. He only wants me because he hasn’t had me.”

Even blushed at his thoughts. He had had Isak, many times, and he still wanted more. He would never get enough. He could be having Isak 24/7 every single day, for the rest of his life, and never get either tired or enough.

“So, where would you take me?” Isak asked, getting back to the subject of their first date. Even sunk his spoon in the whipped cream. He was starting to feel better. Isak and sugar, what more could one need?

“Wouldn’t Jonas object to our date?” Even asked. It had sounded like a smoother move in his head. Isak hadn’t had that look on his face in Even’s head, either.

“He is in no position to object. I broke up with him. On the phone. In a suite at the Plaza.”

Even put his spoon down. Isak had returned from the bathroom to the empty suite. He had just broken up with his boyfriend, and he probably could have used some support, but Even hadn’t been there.

“To be honest”, Even said quietly, “I don’t think you should be dating me. Jonas or no Jonas.”

There was no sense in dating him. He wasn’t someone you wanted to have a relationship with. Casual sex, sure, some meaningless hookups, why not, but a relationship? No. He simply wasn’t up for it. He couldn’t be trusted to be there, no matter how much he was needed.

“Oh?” Once again Isak managed to surprise Even with his response. He didn’t sound cross, or disappointed. He sounded interested. “Any particular reason?”

Even looked up. Isak didn’t look cross or disappointed, either. Even wanted to tell him. He wanted to tell him everything, but he couldn’t. Not here. Not now. And if he wasn’t trying to fool himself, not ever.

“Not really. I’m just not that kind of a guy.”

Isak cocked his head. He looked at Even for a long time, then a little smirk pulled at the corner of his mouth.

“Are you telling me you’re a fuckboy?”

Even laughed.

“More of a slut, really.”

“I mean, you have bailed on me every time we’ve hooked up. That’s classic fuckboy behaviour.”

No, Even thought. That was classic Even behaviour. Not being there. Exactly his thing.

“I don’t want to wear out my welcome.”

“I’m not great with people”, Isak said. “I can’t really read them all that well. I mean, I’ve always thought you’d be a bit. Needier.”

Even didn’t know what to do with that information. At the same time he was happy that Isak hadn’t been shunned away by his neediness, and devastated that Isak had noticed it at all, and ashamed that it was there in the first place. He was needy. He needed so much, but he knew he didn’t deserve it.

“All I need is a good fuck. Regularly.”

Isak wiggled his brow.

“I hope I have delivered this far.”

“Yes. Oh yes. Absolutely.”

“Isak?”

They both looked at Chris, who had apparently got tired of waiting and walked to their table. Even pressed his fingertips on his own thigh to keep himself from running away.

“Yes, Chris?” Isak said.

“I thought we were on a date.”

“We were. I had a terrible time, please don’t ask me out again.”

Chris laughed. Then he noticed Isak was being serious.

“Excuse me? We had barely walked in when you ditched me.”

“It’s okay”, Even tried, “you can go back to your date.”

Isak shook his head.

“I’d rather not, if that’s okay with you?”

“But --” Chris put his hand on Isak’s shoulder. Isak slapped it away harder than necessary.

“Don’t fucking touch me! I said no, and you will take that for an answer, and I don’t owe you an explanation.”

Chris stepped back, his hands raised.

“Fine! Fine! Jesus, you don’t have to be a bitch about it!”

“Leave me the fuck alone.”

“Fuck you, too.”

At least Chris walked away. Isak’s shoulders were shaking.

“Are you okay?” Even asked. Isak shook his head.

“Sorry about that. I hate making a scene, but some guys just don’t understand what a no means.”

Even didn’t know what to say, so he took a sip of his mocha instead. Isak hadn’t said he was okay. When Even put the mug down Isak smiled a bit, reached over the table and wiped the whipped cream stain off Even’s top lip with his thumb.


	15. The Birthday Party, part three

Even looked at Isak. This was the first time he was sober in Isak’s company. It felt absurd. The fact that this was literally the fourth time he was in Isak company in his life felt even more absurd. All the years seemed to vanish completely. It wasn’t like there was much in them to erase, either. Even’s life outside Isak was insignificant in every way.

“What?” Isak asked. He was smiling, cheekily.

“I was just thinking”, Even started. He didn’t know how to finish. He was thinking, but about what? Isak, of course, always Isak, but that seemed like a stupid thing to say.

“Thinking about what?”

Even swallowed. He didn’t know. Isak’s smile didn’t waver.

“Want to know what I’m thinking about?”

Even nodded. He wanted to, of course he did. He wanted to know everything about Isak and his thoughts. Especially when Isak was smiling like that while thinking.

“I’d like to leave this place with you right now. Somewhere more intimate.” Isak dipped his finger into Even’s whipped cream and put it in his mouth. Even swallowed again. His brain was definitely overheating.

“I can’t afford the Plaza”, he said. Isak laughed.

“Last time was such a waste on your part, too! It was the best night’s sleep I’ve ever had, plus the breakfast was to die for.”

Even blushed. He had been such a fool to run away like that. He was still paying that hotel bill. He would be paying it for the rest of the year. If he could keep this job that long. Things seemed to be going in the right direction for now. His hypomania had released him near the end of November, and he had recovered from the crash all the way through Christmas, but ever since that he’d been better than ever. His new medication seemed to work for him. He was hopeful.

“So, not the Plaza. How about your place?” Isak asked. Even shook his head, as his hopefulness died out.

“We’re probably not at the stage to meet the parents just yet?”

Isak laughed again. Even was ridiculously happy to make him laugh.

“Considering we haven’t had our first date, I must agree.”

“Would you like to have one? A date. With me.”

Isak’s eyes were sparkling, matching his smile perfectly.

“I would like that very much. But right now I’d really like to get alone with you.”

Even nodded greedily. Yes. Very much yes. He missed Isak’s skin and body and his lovely, hard --

“But where?”

Isak grimaced a bit.

“We could go to my place, but. Jonas might be there.”

Ah. Jonas. So, Isak still lived with him.

“That must be awkward.”

Isak shrugged.

“Not really. We don’t see each other all that much when we’re not making an effort to.” Isak paused. Then he made a little chuckle. “No, that’s a lie. When  _ I’m _ not making an effort.”

“Tell me again how Jonas is not a jerk?”

Isak bit his lip for a moment. Then he sighed.

“I’m not a reliable source about Jonas. Too much history. Too much baggage. He’s my best friend, and for that I cut him more slack than he deserves. But it’s a two way street. I’m not perfect myself.”

“I beg to differ”, Even blurted out. At least it made Isak smile again, though there was a sad hue in that smile.

“You don’t really know me.”

“I know enough to tell I like you way more than Jonas.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

Even sipped at his mocha again, just to make it run out faster so he could leave with Isak.

“So, your place?”

“Works for me.” Isak licked his lips slowly. Even mimicked the gesture. He got up.

“I’ll just get my things from the back.”

“You’re not going to finish?”

“No.”

“Ah. So sad to see all that sugar go to waste.”

Even arched his brow at Isak.

“Planning on sleeping tonight?”

Isak grinned. He grabbed Even’s cupcake and took a big bite.

Isak and Jonas lived in an apartment building a bus ride away. Even tried to pay attention to the route but his ability to focus was in ruins. It was because of Isak, and how incredibly great he smelled sitting next to Even on the bench. Even kept burying his face to the side of Isak’s neck. He kept doing that when they got off the bus, as well, between walking and stopping to kiss every ten steps.

Even loved kissing Isak outside. It made the city think Isak was his. And if enough people believed that, it might become true. He knew it was an empty wish, but it gave him strength nonetheless. He needed every bit of strength he could get.

They took the elevator because kissing and stairs proved to be a risky combo. Even had no idea how long they had stood in the right floor before they managed to peel themselves off each other for long enough to exit. Their next obstacle was the apartment’s door. Even pressed Isak’s back against it with his whole body, and Isak received him eagerly.

The keys dropped on the floor. Isak laughed into the kiss and turned his face away.

“I need to get those so we can go inside and I can get you naked”, Isak said. Even stepped back, reluctantly. Isak was right. They had to go inside to advance things. Isak picked up the keys and opened the door. Even used all his self control to keep himself from pinning Isak down right there on the floor. Jonas might be home. Or come home while that pinning down was still in progress.

“Issy?”

Okay, Jonas was home. Isak just hummed something, took Even’s hand and pulled him to his room.

“I’ve got company”, Isak told Jonas, wherever he was.

“Slut”, Jonas replied. Even clenched his fist, but Isak just laughed.

“Jealous”, Isak said, opened his door and pushed Even inside.

Isak’s room was a mess. There were empty cans of Red Bull everywhere, among piles of books and printed out articles, and notebooks, and it was obvious that Isak hadn’t changed his habits at all. Living with his parents again had one perk, Even noticed. He was forced to keep his room clean, or at least decent. Now that he was in the middle of all this clutter he realised how suffocating it felt.

Isak pushed him on the unmade bed. Even landed on his back, and Isak lay down on top of him, and kissed him hard enough to make Even forget about the surroundings. All he sensed was Isak’s scent, his body, his kisses, and -- something digging into his lower back.

“Wait”, Even mumbled, and pushed his hand under himself. He pulled out a book that had been abandoned on the bed. It was open, and Even didn’t mean to pry, but he saw it from the corner of his eye first and then he had to take a proper look.

“Isn’t that -- you?” Even stared at the book in his hand. Isak was looking back at him from the page, with a wicked smile and semen on his face.

“What?” Isak looked at the book and laughed, a bit tense. “Oh, yeah. I had that made for Jonas when we were dating. He liked me slutty. I took it back when we broke up, of course, it would’ve been just weird.”

Probably about as weird as Even was feeling now, holding the book in his hand. Isak took it and rolled off him, on his belly on the bed, and flipped through the book. All portraits of Isak, with cum on his face. Filthy, slutty, beautiful Isak.

“Here it is”, Isak said, stopping on a page. “Remember this?”

Even stroked at the pink stripe on the portrait’s cheek with his fingertip. He remembered. He remembered it perfectly.

“You look so young”, he said, because it was the only not idiotic thing he could come up with.

“I know, right? I’m so glad I took these pictures while I was still young and pretty.”

Even took the book from Isak. He held the picture up next to Isak’s face for a moment.

“You’re prettier now”, he said. Isak blushed and pressed his chin down a bit.

“You don’t need to sweet talk anymore, I’m totally putting out.”

Even closed the book and placed it on the floor. He raised his hand on Isak’s cheek.

“I’m serious. I mean -- there was -- a time. Once upon a time it wasn’t obvious that I would get any more birthdays, and no matter how much I hate them and how shitty they make me feel, I’m still grateful. That I have them. You know?”

Isak looked at him for a long time. Then he sighed.

“Yeah. I know.”


	16. The Birthday Party, part four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've re-written this chapter like four times today, in completely different directions. This was the one that worked best, though it got angstier than planned.

Even slid his hand along Isak’s side. He felt Isak’s shape carefully, like to convince himself that Isak really was there. He was sinking into the trance again, the odd, but familiar tranquillity he always felt when he was alone with Isak. It felt almost like a dream. It felt, against all reason, safe.

Even had met this body four times before, and yet it felt like he’d known it all his life.

“You shouldn’t let him call you a slut”, Even said. “It’s none of his business anyway.”

Isak sighed. He pushed his fingers into Even’s hair.

“It’s an old inside joke. It started on our first year in Nissen. It’s hard to explain, but I hope you can believe me when I say I don’t mind it, or feel attacked or anything like that. I’m okay with it.”

Even couldn’t really believe it. It was hard to not judge Jonas. He knew Jonas had no chance of ever making Even like him simply because he had had the audacity to be able to call Isak his and fuck it up the way he did.

“Well, I --”

Isak pressed his fingertip on Even’s lips.

“Just let it slide. Or do you really want to talk about my history with Jonas right now?”

Isak had a point there. Even wasn’t really interested in the Jonas part.

“I want to talk about whatever you want to talk about.” Isak’s finger was still on Even’s mouth, and it tickled as Even spoke. Then it traced the outline of Even’s lips.

“Well, I’m not really in the mood for talking, if you know what I mean.”

Even swallowed. He nodded. He knew what Isak meant. Isak completed the outline and finished off with a little tap on Even’s bottom lip.

“I might have a candle for you to blow, birthday boy.”

Even laughed.

“Fuck, that’s a terrible joke.”

“I’m here all night”, Isak purred, pressing his body against Even. Even kissed him. Isak kissed him right back, amping up the enthusiasm quickly. He pushed his hand under Even’s shirt. It was obvious Isak didn’t want to talk. Even could absolutely see the appeal himself, with Isak squirming against him like this. If he was drunk, even just a bit, this would have been so different. If he was less in balance. He would’ve been scared enough to not push anything.

“Isak?” Even mumbled into the kiss. Isak’s lips were resilient, they kept nibbling on Even’s lips, tempting them to take part, to get lost. Even had to repeat Isak’s name twice before he stopped.

“What is it?”

“I’m so sorry”, Even sighed. “I don’t have a yes for you now.”

Isak pulled his hand away and scooted back a bit.

“Something wrong?”

Even had to just blink for a moment. He was so fucking disappointed with himself. Isak was here, finally, again, with him, willing to sleep with him, and what did he do? He lacked a yes.

“I hate my birthdays”, Even managed to whisper. He tried to stop his hands from shaking by pushing his fingers in Isak’s hair, but it didn’t really work. All it did was make sure Isak noticed the shaking.

“Why?” Isak asked. He placed his hand on Even’s hand and pressed it gently, asking Even to keep it in his hair. Even did. He felt the curly strands, how soft they were.

“I just do.” Even couldn’t say it. He couldn’t bring himself to tell Isak that every birthday was simply a reminder of how he got older, years passed, and nothing in his life changed. He hadn’t graduated. He wasn’t studying. He didn’t have real friends, or a proper job, or a romantic relationship with anyone. He wasn’t improving in any way. “They make me feel like I’m expiring. Falling apart bit by bit, like an abandoned house.”

Isak tried to smile.

“Aren’t you a bit young to have an ageing crisis?”

“My whole life is one big crisis”, Even sighed. He twirled Isak’s hair around his fingertips. It was hard to believe Isak was actually there, that he hadn’t become tired of Even not putting out and asked him to leave.

“You’re really not well, are you?” Isak asked. Even shook his head. He was not well. He hoped Isak wouldn’t ask any questions. He got his wish. Isak looked at him, biting his lip, until he finally sighed. “I’m not well, either.”

Even nodded. He didn’t tell Isak that he could see it in this room. This wasn’t just a mess, this was exhaustion. This was lying in the bed all day, beating yourself up in your head, unable to do anything else. This was trying, trying, trying, and then failing.

“I’m sorry”, Even whispered. Isak raised his hand on Even’s cheek.

“I’m sorry, too.”

Even pressed his forehead against Isak’s and closed his eyes. They lay there for a while, not speaking, just breathing. Sometimes all you could do was just breathe.

“It’s just so. Sad. It’s a fucking shame.”

Even opened his eyes and looked at Isak.

“What?”

Isak ran his thumb over Even’s lips, barely touching them.

“We could have a good thing going on.”

Isak saying it out loud hit Even’s stomach like a bag of rocks. It pushed all the air out of his lungs. They could have a good thing going on. But they didn’t. They weren’t going to have. Isak was just about to tell him why, and Even didn’t want to hear it. He had no choice. He couldn’t run away now, because his muscles didn’t have any oxygen to operate.

“I need someone who is well.”

Even closed his eyes. It was exactly what he feared it would be. What he knew it would be. He nodded. Kind of.

“Mm-hm.”

“Do you disagree?”

Even shook his head. Kind of. Isak was right. He needed someone well, too. Someone who would take care of him when he couldn’t do it himself. It would have been a disaster, them two trying to build something on a foundation as rotten as they were.

“And that’s just sad.”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Me too.”

Isak leaned in and kissed Even. Even could taste the sadness in the kiss. It felt like a kiss goodbye, and that was too much for him to take. He pushed himself closer to Isak, he kissed Isak harder, desperate to escape this moment and unable to do so in any other way than forcing the moment itself to change.

Isak kissed him back. He made a tiny little sound, like a moan and a sob and a whimper, and wrapped his arms around Even. They kissed so long that they were panting when it finally ended, only to start again and kiss until they were gasping.

“I need a yes”, Even pleaded. Isak looked at him, his eyes dark and glistening, and nodded.

“Yes.”

Even undid Isak’s pants and shoved his hand inside them. Isak wasn’t hard, but it didn’t take long for that to change. Even kissed him while touching him, and the sensation of Isak’s dick getting hard in his hand made Even almost forget their conversation. He nudged his hips towards Isak, and Isak caught on. He unbuttoned Even’s jeans, pulled his underwear out of the way and wrapped his fingers around Even’s semi.

It was over so fast. The room filled with sounds of kissing and dick touching, the air got heavier with their panting, gasps that got shorter and shorter until they melted into whimpers and they stopped kissing, they just pressed their mouths together in a shared moan when they came, almost at the same time. Isak beat Even by just seconds. Then it was done. Even kissed Isak one more time, fixed his outfit and left without saying a word.


	17. The Christmas Party, part one

Like all yearly festivities, Christmas was something Even had a hard time enjoying. The cycle of the seasons, the passing of time, the ever-repeating reminders that Even’s life was still going nowhere. Of course, compared to, say, last Christmas, some improvement had happened. Even hadn’t had an episode in over six months, and the one he had in March had been minor and short lived and fixed with a sleep schedule and a proper diet. He was still working at the coffee shop, and during the summer he had finally stopped fearing and hoping Isak would come there.

He hadn’t seen Isak since his birthday. He wanted to believe he would never see him again, but something inside him was certain he would. He had stopped going to parties because Isak might be there. He had stopped going to clubs. His life had shrunk into sitting at home or working, and there wasn’t much else going on. He wasn’t sure if that could be called actual progress.

That was the main reason he was now here, in this gathering. It wasn’t a party, not really, just some grown ups chatting over boring jazz versions of Christmas carols, finger foods, gingerbread cookies and glögg. Even hadn’t wanted to come, but his mother had made it clear that he either came here or she would change the wifi password and not share it with him.

Yes, the punishment of a teenager worked just as well for a grown man, if that man happened to be Even Bech Næsheim. So, he had put on his nicest clothes, done his hair and come to this thing as his mother’s plus one. Because he wasn’t pathetic enough already.

At least this was a nice event. It was for some charity, they had purchased tickets and there was a silent auction as well. Even had bid a ridiculously small amount of money for a watch, but every time he went to check, his bid was still the highest. Coming to check it had almost become sort of thrilling. Even tried to limit himself to wandering to the auction table only every ten minutes, but here he was again. His bid was still the top one.

“Some bubbly, sir?”

Even’s blood froze into ice sludge. It was oozing through his veins instead of flowing, and as it passed the chambers in his heart it ached. Even straightened his back slowly. He just stood there, letting Isak see his height, to recognise him and escape. He counted to ten in his head, and turned around. Isak was still there. He was wearing a suit without a jacket, and a black bow tie, and holding a tray with champagne flutes filled with something red and fizzy, garnished with cranberries.

“Hey”, Even said quietly. He pushed his hand into his pocket, and wrapped his fingers around the small metal tin. It was filled with some cotton so the pills wouldn’t rattle when he walked around. He was so happy he hadn’t been drinking tonight, so he could take one as soon as he made it to the bathroom.

“I’m sorry, I -- I didn’t realise it was you. You were leaning over the table and -- I’m sorry.”

Even nodded. He heard the glasses clink against each other, so he grabbed the tray firmly.

“Let’s put this down, okay?”

Isak nodded, and let go of the tray so Even could lay it down on the table. He looked around, but nobody seemed to notice or care about this particular incident.

“Do you have a break room or something? You look really pale.”

“Yeah -- yeah. We do.”

“Okay. You wait here, I’ll be back in twenty seconds. Count them. Can you do that?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t --” Isak was blinking rapidly, his breathing shallow. Even looked straight into his eyes.

“Twenty three. Twenty two. Twenty one.”

“Twenty”, Isak picked up, barely whispering. “Nineteen, eighteen --”

Even hurried to his seat, took his jacket off and placed it on the chair’s back. He pulled off his tie, too, and returned to Isak just as he was reaching two.

“Hey. I’m back.”

Isak blinked, and a couple of tears ran down his cheeks. He wasn’t really crying, more like leaking. Tears were the body’s way of discharging stress hormones.

“Hey.”

“Now, we’ll get to the break room so you can sit down for a bit. Which way is it?”

Isak nodded with his head at a pair of doors. Even placed his hand lightly on Isak’s arm and guided him there. They stepped through the doors to a hallway.

“Now where?”

“There. Third door on your left.”

Even walked Isak to the break room. It was small, with a round table and some chairs around it, and a coffee pod machine with towers of disposable cups on the side table. Even helped Isak sit down. He looked around the room, and found what he was looking for. He took a bow tie someone had discarded because the clasp had fractured, and he managed to shove it under his collar well enough to keep it there. Now nobody would notice Even had no place to be here.

“Coffee?” Even asked, picking through the bowl of coffee pods. Isak shook his head. Even noticed a small fridge by the door. He opened it and found some bottles of water. He took one, placed it in front of Isak and took the tin out of his pocket. “Mild benzos. We can split one.”

Even took a seat next to Isak. He cracked the water bottle open and took one pill on his palm. He split it along the groove, threw one half in his mouth and placed the other one on the table. Isak looked at it for a long time, then he picked it up and put it on his tongue. He washed it down with the water.

“Thank you.”

“No problem. It should kick in shortly.”

“I know.”

They sat there, in the dreary, obviously afterthought break room, in silence, waiting for their pills to affect. It was way, way less awkward than one would have thought. Now that Even was here in this confined space, he noticed how draining the company of all those people at the event had been. Now that Even was here with Isak, he remembered how calming his presence was to him.

That was probably the benzo talking.

Whatever it was, it was soothing. Their breathing got slower, and synchronised, and finally Isak lifted his eyes from the table to Even.

“Better?” Even asked. Isak nodded.

“Yes. Thank you. I need this job.”

“Really?” Even arched his brow. “You’re a waiter now?”

“No”, Isak sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “I only got this gig because I know the son of the caterer. I’ve been learning on the job, and as you can tell, I’m not all that good at it.”

“This is hardly something to judge your performance by”, Even said. “Hell, I’m surprised I didn’t make a scene myself. Just hearing your voice -- I thought I was going to die.”

“Die? That’s a bit dramatic.”

Even shrugged.

“I’m a dramatic person.”

Isak smiled, the faintest little smile.

“I’ve come to notice.”


	18. The Christmas Party, part two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit short. I had to erase quite a bit again.

The benzo was finally kicking properly. Even could focus his thoughts again. He could breathe normally, and the sense of imminent dread had dissolved. He wasn’t going to die, no matter how dramatic he was. It was just Isak.

“You look good”, Even said. Isak had shaved the stubble and combed his hair back neatly. The bow tie kind of worked for him, and that cute little vest was something Even hadn’t expected to like, but he did. Isak turned his head away.

“So do you. You always do.”

Even chuckled a bit. He was sure he hadn’t always looked good when Isak saw him. Especially last time, exhausted and drained from work and the birthday surprise and all. Today, he was at least presentable.

“I suppose looks can be deceiving. I’ve been a fucking mess every time.”

“For a mess you handled this situation quite well.”

Even shrugged. He had no idea how he handled anything. To be honest, he had barely any memory on what he had just done. He remembered being worried about Isak, and wanting to get him to safety.

“I needed to take care of you.”

Even noticed he sounded more bitter than he thought he would. Isak was probably still fragile, and Even didn’t have to be a hissy bitch at him. He had parted ways with Isak voluntarily. He hadn’t called Isak, or texted him, or anything. He had done his best to avoid Isak.

“I’m sorry”, Even said. Isak sighed.

“No. I had it coming. Trust me, I’ve been thinking about that night a lot.” Isak turned his eyes on Even. He examined Even’s face for a long time, carefully. “You’re better than you were then.”

“Are you?” Even asked. Isak shook his head.

“I don’t know. I’m terrified of starting to work on my thesis. I’ve been putting it off and working to save up money instead.”

“What’s your thesis going to be about?” Even asked. He didn’t know shit about robotics, but he was endlessly interested in Isak and everything related to him. And he wanted to keep Isak talking, so he wouldn’t notice he was supposed to be working.

“Robotics”, Isak groaned. He rubbed his temples with his fingertips. “I don’t seem to be able to make up my mind about the subject.”

“I’m sure it’s going to be a brilliant thesis, no matter which subject you choose.”

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”

Even leaned back in his chair. He took a sip from the water bottle. It was nice and cold, and it gave him something to do.

“Is it working?”

Isak smiled just a little bit.

“Not really. But I appreciate the effort.”

“I’ll take what I can get”, Even said. He really tried to not think about all the things he couldn’t get. Having Isak sit right next to him and still being unable to have him was almost unbearable.

“How about you?” Isak asked. “How are you doing? You seem better.”

Even bit on the inside of his lip. Isak thought he seemed better. He needed someone who was well, and maybe he was now hoping that perhaps Even could be that for him. He was so wrong, and Even didn’t know how to break that to him.

“Do you know what bipolar disorder is?” Even asked. Isak shook his head. Even could see the hope be drained away from Isak. Or he was just imagining things. It didn’t matter, nothing changed the fact. He was sick. He would be sick for the rest of his life. “It’s basically what it says on the box. Two extremities, depression and mania. Though I’ve never been full on manic, thank fuck, I’ve been mostly a menace to myself instead of the society.”

Isak nodded slowly. He didn’t look as frightened as Even had anticipated.

“Depression doesn’t make you jump off balconies to escape parties”, Isak said. Even shook his head.

“Nope. All that, the balcony, the Plaza, all that was mania. And in a way -- it wasn’t. I don’t turn into someone else during an episode. It’s just me on hyperdrive but without a navigation system.”

Even wiped his mouth with his palm. He didn’t usually talk about this to anyone. It was too much. He was too ashamed. But now, in Isak’s silent presence, as a man with nothing to lose and nothing to gain, ha just. Kept talking. He told Isak about the exhaustion when the manic episode had run its course. He told about the days, or weeks, he spent in bed, barely getting up to go to the bathroom. He kept talking and talking until he could be absolutely certain Isak would never want to as much as look at him anymore, and when he was finally done he felt oddly relieved. He had pushed Isak out of his reach, forever. He could stop hoping.

“So”, Even concluded, after emptying the water bottle, “I’m never going to be well. I can never be fully trusted to be there, because no matter how hard I try, I can’t ever control my illness fully. I can manage it, and right now I’m pretty good at it, but there’s no way to tell if I’ll be okay tomorrow.”

Isak simply nodded. Even had poured his illness, his most kept secret, out for Isak to see and judge, and Isak just nodded. Even didn’t know what he had expected, but it hadn’t been a nod. He hadn’t thought Isak would dismiss him like that. Even kept talking just to give Isak another chance to respond somehow.

“And. That’s pretty much it. How I’ve been doing. How I expect to be doing, forever.”

“That sounds terribly lonely”, Isak said. Even laughed, so he didn’t cry.

“I don’t have anyone. I’m here as my mother’s plus one. That’s the level of pathetic I have reached, but give me a few days and I will go lower still.”

Isak pulled his chair closer to Even. He took Even’s hand.

“You’re not alone”, Isak said quietly. “Like you once said, we are in this together. Right?”

Even’s newly discovered freedom crumbled at his feet. He was going to be stuck on Isak forever, and no matter what Isak said now, he knew the truth. Isak had told him the truth last time, and he had been right. Isak needed someone who was well. This, all this you’re not alone talk, was just something people did when they faced despair in others. They tried to make it better.

Even knew nothing would make it better. But he could try to not make it worse.

“Right.”


	19. The Christmas Party, part three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again a bit short. I'm at my parent's house tonight, I have an appointment tomorrow at the hormone clinic so I'm not too focused. I hope this ch is okay!

Isak gave Even one of those barely there smiles of his again. It was like watching someone smile under rippling water. The expression was there, then not, then it was there again.

“Do you believe in multiple universes?” Isak asked. Even blinked, confused. He had not expected a conversation about metaphysics, especially not sober.

“I don’t know”, he said slowly. “How come?”

“I like the thought”, Isak said. “It gives me comfort. That no matter how hard I screw up in this universe, there are countless of others where I don’t screw up and everything is okay.”

“And countless of universes where you screw up even worse?” Even had to ask. Isak laughed, shaking his head.

“I knew I could trust you to keep my feet on the ground. But yeah, I suppose, if there is an infinite number of universes, it’s mathematically necessary for there to be an infinite number of ones where I screw up even worse.”

“And one where I didn’t say what I just did?” Even grimaced. Isak laughed again.

“Most likely. Isn’t it comforting? At least one Even in all existence has made all the right choices at all the right times.”

That was a dizzying thought, not a comforting one. For a split second Even saw the reality as a crossroad with infinite paths, each of them leading to other infinities, which then again folded out in infinite directions and that’s where Even stopped thinking and shook his head. Easy there. Thank you, whoever invited benzos.

“What do you suppose the other Isak and Even are doing right now?” Even asked. Isak cocked his head. The rippling smile was still there.

“That depends, which of them do you mean?”

Even nodded slowly. This was getting difficult, or dangerous, or both. He put the empty bottle away.

“The ones who are well.”

Even turned his eyes away from Isak when he saw Isak’s expression. The ripple was washed away, drained into sadness. Isak was sorry, and that was hard to watch.

“They’re probably at Ikea having a fight over curtains to their new place.”

“Oh? What kind of curtains are they fighting about?”

“You see, it’s Christmas time, and it’s obviously time to get some red curtains, or maybe pine green. But Isak wants yellow curtains.”

Even raised his eyebrow.

“Yellow curtains?”

Isak nodded.

“Yes. He wants yellow curtains.”

Even leaned his chin on his palm, to hide his smile.

“He can have them. Any colour he wants, even yellow.”

“Oh? Is Even a pushover?”

“No”, Even said. “Not really, not when he’s well. But all he cares about is what Isak wants.”

They were quiet for a moment, avoiding looking at each other. Isak sighed.

“That makes Isak a lucky guy.”

“Even would like to object that he’s the lucky one.”

“Mm.” Isak got up and went to get a bottle of water. Even watched him carefully when his back was turned to him. Isak looked good, like always.

“Maybe there’s a universe where Isak and Even are not well, and they’re together, and it works and they are happy”, Even said. Isak’s shoulders tensed up. It was difficult to see.

“Even, I --”

“I know”, Even said. “It’s not a good idea. You need someone who can take care of you.”

“I can’t take care of you”, Isak sighed. It was a confession. It sounded heavy, and it had ragged, sharp edges. “I’m barely taking care of myself. I can’t be in a relationship with anyone, and especially not someone who --”

Isak stopped talking. Even could finish that sentence in his head in so many ways. Someone who couldn’t take care of himself. Someone who was crazy. Someone who didn’t know how to function as a human being. Someone who needed Isak too much. Someone who was like Even.

“It’s obvious you could take care of me”, Isak continued. He sounded smaller now. Defeated. He was still talking to the fridge instead of looking at Even. “You just did. You simply handled the situation, and you did it in the best possible way, and without thinking twice. But I won’t be able to return the favor.”

“So -- it’s not me, it’s you? Really, Isak?”

Isak shrugged with just one shoulder.

“It is what it is. I can’t have a relationship with you. Or anyone. No matter how much you want one.”

“And you don’t want it?”

Isak sighed again. The sound of it made Even’s heart ache.

“It doesn’t matter. I can’t have it.”

“You’re not alone in this, Isak. You can’t decide for both of us.”

Isak turned around with a dark chuckle.

“Oh, you’re planning on having a relationship with me without my consent?”

“Of course not!” Even spat. “It’s just. It’s not fair.”

“Life isn’t fair. Do you think I asked to be like this? That I want to just lie in my bed all day, not being able to move, and think about all the things I should be doing until their weight crushes me?”

Even looked at Isak, his anger now cooled down. It left his arms and legs numb, like drained.

“I’m sorry”, he said, because it felt like he should. “I know how it feels.”

“So you know that it’s not a state to pursue anything with anyone, as well”, Isak said calmly. Too calmly. He was forcing his voice to stay level and low. He was forcing his hands to not shake. Even could see how tightly Isak was clenching his jaw.

“I don’t get it”, Even said. His voice was sounding colder than he anticipated. “First I’m too crazy. And now you are?”

“I’m sorry.”

Even shook his head and pushed himself up on his feet.

“I should go see if my bid is still standing. Then I’ll make up an excuse for my mother and leave. Give me ten minutes and I’ll be gone.”

Isak didn’t say anything. Even walked to the door and placed his hand on the handle.

“Merry Christmas, Isak.”

“Merry Christmas.” Isak’s voice was barely a whisper. Even didn’t look at him when he left the room.


	20. The New Year's Party, part one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The appointment went well! I'm starting my testosterone treatment tomorrow. Have a mess of a chapter to celebrate!

Even checked the time. Twenty minutes to midnight. Thank god, he was so ready to leave this place, but it would have been weird and rude to bail a New Year’s Eve party right before the big countdown. People would ask him why he left early, and what would he tell them?

That the new year still felt like just another year wasted, with no promise of this next one being any better than the previous ones?

That he was the only one in here who wasn’t drunk, and that was getting exhausting?

That he had overestimated his energy levels, and all this being social and partying had drained him so badly he just wanted to crawl under a table and be forgotten there like a dropped spoon?

He wandered into the kitchen. The table seemed to be high enough for him to sit under there semi-comfortably. Of course he wasn’t actually going to go down there, since it would only raise more questions he didn’t want to answer. Is something wrong, Even? Are you okay, Even? Has something happened, Even?

Yes, no, and no.

The bottles of sparkling wine sat on ice in coolers in the sink, waiting for midnight. The necks of the bottles glistened with moisture drawn to their surface by the cold. Even drew a line on one of them with his fingertip and put the finger on his lips. It felt wet, and cool. He painted his lips with the water. If they looked pretty enough, maybe someone would want to kiss them when the midnight arrived.

It wasn’t that he wanted a kiss. It was just that not getting one was going to sting.

The doorbell rang. The music and chatting was so loud in the living room where the party was at, that nobody else seemed to hear it. Even waited and listened for a bit, but nobody went to answer. The doorbell rang again. Maybe it was a neighbour, complaining about the noise? Was Even ready for that?

Well, that might have put an end to this party he wanted to leave.

Even left the kitchen and sneaked to the door. He opened it, and his heart exploded. He could feel the shrapnel sink into the walls of his chest cavity.

“Oh, hello, Even.” Isak sounded surprised. He looked surprised, as well. And incredible. Every time Even saw Isak, he looked better. “God, it’s been -- how long has it been?”

Three years and sixteen days, today.

“I’m not sure. A couple of years, maybe?” Even said, making way for Isak to enter the apartment. Isak was dressed up for a party, and Even could smell the alcohol in his breath when Isak kissed his cheek to properly greet him. It was obvious that Isak was here to join the party, not complain about it.

It was painfully obvious, that to Isak it had been just a couple of years, not three years and sixteen days. Even had finally thrown himself in the arms of destiny and stopped trying to avoid Isak. He wanted to keep running into him, by chance, until -- what, exactly, Even? Until Isak got enough exposure to get used to having you around?

“It feels like a lifetime”, Isak said, while taking his shoes and coat off. He glanced at Even from under his brow. Even was doing his best to keep himself standing. Luckily he could lean on the wall. “How have you been?”

“Fine,” Even hurried to say before the lump in his throat got too big for his voice to pass. “Just fine.”

Isak looked at him, smiling. His smile was so beautiful and warm, even though Even could see the sadness rippling just beneath the surface. Did Isak remember the party where they had stood just like this before, in Sonja’s apartment, years ago? Even did. Too bad this place was on the third floor, no escaping from the balcony.

Even didn’t want this moment to ever stop. Them standing in the middle of a sea of shoes, a party in the background, and Isak right there in front of him. When Isak was with him, Even almost forgot how much he sucked as a person. Isak’s light was so bright it managed to distort Even’s image of himself.

It was a light that made Even’s eyes hurt.

And his heart, what was left of it, ache.

“You didn’t bring anyone”, Even observed. Out loud, for some reason. Isak looked over his shoulder.

“Oh shit, I  _ knew _ I forgot something!”

Even stopped breathing. He couldn’t move a muscle, because then he would have crumbled on the floor. Isak made a tiny awkward laugh.

“I didn’t bring anyone because I don’t have anyone. I haven’t had anyone in over a year now. Been doing a bit of soul searching, learning about who I am and such.”

“Oh”, Even said. He probably should have sounded more impressed. Less jealous. “Did you go full on Eat Pray Love, or did you stay in Oslo?”

Isak blushed. Even had noticed the hint of a tan Isak had left, and Isak knew it.

“After finishing my thesis I backpacked in Thailand. I meant to travel for only a couple of months, but I spent almost a year there.”

Even nodded. He decided to not tell Isak that he had got sick of trusting fate and tried to call him once, probably when Isak was in Thailand, walking around tanned and beautiful and happy, and not thinking about Even one bit.

“Did it work?” Even asked. “Did you find yourself?”

Isak shrugged.

“Does it ever? I had a great time. Good memories. Bad ones, too, of course. Mostly good, though. But I think I might be forever a bit lost.”

Isak said it so lightly. A thought so thoroughly terrifying, of being lost forever, a thought Even had held close to his chest ever since the day he was supposed to graduate but didn’t, and Isak just used it to make conversation.

“You seem well”, Even said. Nobody who wasn’t well didn’t talk like that.

“I suppose I do.” Isak sucked on his bottom lip slowly. Even couldn’t not look at that very intently. He wondered if his own lips were still wet from the water or not. Probably not. As if that would have made Isak want to kiss him, like somehow the way Even’s lips looked would have mattered.

“Five minutes to go!”

They both turned to look towards the living room. Someone scuttled to the kitchen to fetch the sparkling wine and returned holding two bottles on each hand. Even’s eyes got caught in the droplets of water they left on the floor. He stared at them, deep in thoughtless thought, when Isak’s fingertips brushed at the back of his palm.

“Come. We’re going to miss the big moment.”

Even wanted to ask Isak to stay here. He wanted to spend the big moment alone with Isak, to have Isak all for himself, now and forever. But he had no right. Isak didn’t want to. Even followed him to the living room and into the party, and watched Isak kiss cheeks and have his cheek kissed. Isak was a welcome guest. An expected one. Even listened him to talk to the host of the party, how glad they were that Isak had made it. He noticed just now that he hadn’t asked how Isak knew them. It didn’t matter. Isak wasn’t here for anything but fate.


	21. The New Year's Party, part two

To Even’s surprise, Isak returned to him after making his round in the crowd. The bottles were getting popped open, and Isak offered Even a glass. Even considered, for a split second, because his every instinct objected refusing Isak anything.

“I don’t drink anymore”, Even said, leaning in towards Isak so he could keep his voice low. There was something about that word,  _ anymore, _ that made it clear why he didn’t want a drink. Ever again. It wasn’t good for him, not good at all, especially if he was emotional or upset, and right now he couldn’t decide on which he was. Both. So much. Isak was here.

“Do you mind if I do?” Isak asked. Even wasn’t sure why he was asking. It wasn’t like he had any say over the matter, right?

“Not at all.” Besides, Isak already had been drinking, so one more glass didn’t really make a difference. It wasn’t going to make Isak want to be with him. Even had thought he had gotten over it, that he had finally accepted that they simply weren’t meant to happen, but now, when yet another year was drawing its final breaths, Even felt a hollow, bottomless loneliness, and he could think of only one cure.

“Countdown!”

Isak put his hand on Even’s arm and looked at him. His eyes were so green. They were sparkling, and Isak was more smiling the numbers than saying them, ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one --

Isak pulled back from the kiss. It couldn’t have lasted more than a second or two, but returning from it was proving difficult for Even. The reality didn’t feel real. The impossibility of the kiss that had just undeniably happened made everything fall out of place.

“Should I have asked first?” Isak said, with feigned carelessness. He knew he had done wrong, because he hadn’t asked, but Even didn’t feel like scolding him. He felt. Well. He wasn’t sure how he was feeling. Someone slapped his shoulder and wished him a happy new year. That wasn’t enough to snap him out of it.

“Even?” Isak started to look a bit worried. That did it. Isak needed Even, so Even responded. He blinked, slowly, and finally closed his mouth properly.

“Mh?”

“Are you okay?”

“I. I don’t know.”

Isak’s fingertips brushed at the back of Even’s hand again. Even’s fingers twitched. Like Frankenstein’s creature was brought to life by the lightning, Even’s body was reanimated by Isak’s touch.

“Happy new year”, Isak said quietly. “I know you must hate this holiday, but maybe you could find something good about it, too? Fresh starts, you know?”

Even couldn’t take his eyes off Isak’s tanned skin. He imagined he could taste the faintest hint of salt and sand if he kissed it. When was the last time he had even seen the sea, let alone a beach? When was the last time he had looked up when walking outside?

“I wouldn’t know where to start”, Even sighed. If he had a fresh start with anything, he would just waste it anyway. Like he had wasted his life, waiting for the man who was standing in front of him now, and he still didn’t have it in him to pursue anything.

Isak got tired of waiting for Even’s hand to wake up and just took it. He pushed his fingers between Even’s and held on, while Even only stood there staring. Even’s heart was racing, as was his mind. How drunk exactly was Isak? Of course there was the undeniable attraction that made their bodies gravitate towards each other, but this felt different. This felt like more.

“What are you doing?” Even asked. Barely. His mouth was parched, and his heart was beating so loud that it drowned every other sound.

“Taking you somewhere a bit more private. How about that?”

Even only nodded. He agreed, some privacy was sorely needed. He licked his lips quickly.

“Bedroom?”

A hint of mischief seeped into Isak’s smile.

“Sounds fun.” It was a joke, of course. They weren’t teenagers anymore. This wasn’t a party where people just hooked up in any nook or cranny they could find. They were old enough that if they wanted to get anything like that on, they’d need to go home together.

“Actually”, Isak said, stepping closer to Even. “I was thinking we could ditch this party. Most of the people are leaving soon anyway.”

Even looked around, like he remembered the party just now. Isak was right, people were getting ready to leave. More than one couple was saying they needed to get home so that the nanny could go home. When had they become this old?

“But you just got here”, Even said. “Won’t your friends be disappointed if you leave right away?”

“Perhaps. But I really would like to leave. Will you come with me?”

They were still holding hands. Even looked down, at their fingers interlaced together, and swallowed. Was there really a chance to decline? Was there any other answer than yes?

“Let’s go.”

The air was cold and smelled like gunpowder. There were explosions of colour and light all around, despite the strict rules against fireworks in the city. Isak was walking really close to Even, like glued to his side, and his eyes were reflecting the sparkles of new beginnings celebrated everywhere. Their breaths were making little clouds that seemed to get pulled together and mixed into one above their heads. It was probably an illusion, some mist blending into the black sky.

“I’m not well”, Isak confessed. It would have felt sudden, if he hadn’t told Even earlier. When Even had said Isak looked well, and Isak had agreed, and with only that. He looked well. Even nodded.

“What’s going on?” Even asked. He didn’t know if Isak wanted to talk about it, but he probably did, since he was the one bringing it up.

“The same, really. Backpacking was fun, but then I got tired and when I got back here it was just so. Dark. And lonely. When I was in Thailand, all I had to do was step outside and I was surrounded by people. The best kind of people, really, ones that were nice to me and then went on their merry way.”

“You have friends. We just saw some.”

“It’s not the same”, Isak sighed. “Those people know me, you know?”

Even nodded. He knew. He hadn’t seen any people who really knew him in years. He was too much of a disappointment, he wasn’t worthy. He didn’t want to submit people to his all around badness.

“They also love you.”

Isak made a tiny dark chuckle.

“Idiots.”

“Please don’t say that.”

Isak rested his head on Even’s shoulder. Even stopped walking. He couldn’t. He didn’t understand this. He was so scared, and so hopeful, and so tired of being hopeful.

“I’m not well, either”, Even said. Isak needed to know that. “I’m still. It’s been three years, and I haven’t moved a step forward. I’m stuck.”

“Has it been worse?” Isak asked. He lifted his head and turned to face Even. Even shook his head.

“No. I’ve been pretty stable, but -- I still work at that coffee shop. Part time. I’m still living with my parents. I’m a nobody.”

“Please don’t say that.”

Isak took Even’s hand in his. Even did his best to keep breathing.

“Come on. Let’s go to my place. It’s not a long walk.”

Isak had a place. His place, not our place, or whatever. Something about the way Isak called the place his made Even think Isak lived there alone. Even was hoping again, though he probably shouldn’t have been. They started walking again, hand in hand, and everyone out on the streets celebrating the old year turning into a new one thought that Isak was his.

They made it for a couple of minutes when Even stopped again.

“Isak, I can’t.”

Isak stopped, too, and faced him. He looked weird. His expression didn’t fit the situation. Isak was looking..patient.

“You can’t what?”

“I can’t do this again”, Even said. “I can’t hook up with you and then just. Leave. Again.”

Isak kept looking patient. There was a hint of a smile on his lips.

“I didn’t find myself in Thailand”, Isak said. “But I think I know now what was wrong with that plan.”

“Oh?” Even couldn’t look away. All he wanted to look at, all he wanted to see, like for the rest of his life, was Isak.

“Yeah.” Isak nodded. He let go of Even’s hand and grabbed the collar of his jacket, with both hands. He looked into Even’s eyes. He leaned a bit closer, and the hint of a smile turned into a proper one. “There I am.”

Even blinked. He didn’t understand. Isak’s patience hadn’t run out yet.

“Look into my eyes”, Isak said. “And tell me what you see.”

Even looked.

“Green. The loveliest shade of green I have ever seen.” Even had to pause, because his voice almost cracked. “Hope. Stupid, stupid hope.”

“Keep going”, Isak said. He stood there, close to Even, and waited. Even didn’t know what Isak was waiting for, what he was supposed to see. He kept looking anyway, for what felt like forever, until he just shook his head.

“I don’t know! I don’t get it, Isak, and I can’t -- I can’t.”

Isak raised his hand on Even’s cheek to calm him down. It worked wonders.

“Let me tell you what I see when I look into your eyes. I see myself. Your eyes are a mirror, but unlike any other mirror, your eyes make me look good.”

Even blinked, slowly. A firecracker went off somewhere nearby. The bang echoed on the street, and the smell of gunpowder got more prominent. Even looked into Isak’s eyes again, and he saw his own reflection. It didn’t look like much at first, but then Isak looked at him a bit differently. The difference was barely there, but it was noticeable, and that look worked like the best filter one could hope for.

“You see it”, Isak said, smiling. “I think that all this time when we’ve been looking for ourselves -- we haven’t looked right in front of us.”

Even took Isak’s face in his hands and kissed him. Isak kissed him back, and when the kiss was over they both chuckled into each others mouths.

“Sorry, I should have asked for consent.”

“I hereby give you permission to kiss me whenever you feel like it, until I tell you otherwise.”

Even kissed Isak again. His heart was racing. It was filled with hope, and this time it didn’t feel empty. After the kiss Isak pushed his arm under Even’s and curled up against his side.

“Come on. It’s that house over there.” Isak nodded at a building down the street. Even looked up the building’s wall, at the eyes of windows that were filled with light or staring into darkness. It looked like home.

“Which window is yours?” Even asked, as they were walking towards the building. Isak leaned his head on Even’s shoulder.

“The one with the yellow curtains.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Done! This party got cut a bit short, but I was so close to the end that I couldn't resist 21/21 chapters.
> 
> I hope you found something in this story you enjoyed! Thank you for reading! <3


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